I watched hockey before it was cool.
They basically were swimming.
😄 😄 😄
An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery.
The Englishman steals three buns, puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and said, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times.
And after eating them again the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
😄 😄 😄
How do you know it’s time to retire?
It’s when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!
😄 😄 😄
What code does a depressed programmer write?
“Goodbye, world!”
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that firecrackers light themselves.
😄 😄 😄
I got the book “Internet Forums for Dummies” from a friend.
But I need to take it back, because I already Reddit.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ghost says.”
“Ghost says, who?”
“No, a ghost says booooo!”
😄 😄 😄
I bought some blue shoes to wear to the office.
But they made me feel downright feet-talistic.
😄 😄 😄
An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar and sit next to each other.
The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.
Before any punches could be thrown, the football player fell to the ground and called for medical help.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?
Cliff.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so dumb she thought a lightsaber has fewer calories!
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the person who watched too many Shrek movies?
He ogre-dosed.
😄 😄 😄
A man throws a dollar coin into a wishing well and a genie pops out.
The genie tells him, “You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish.”
“I want a dragon.”
“Are you sure? That’s pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?”
“I want to learn how to fold a fitted sheet.”
“What color dragon do you want?”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Uranus classified as a planet?
After all, it is a Black Hole.
😄 😄 😄
People always pick their noses, but I never did.
I have always liked the one nose that I was born with.
😄 😄 😄
A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.
A full one, in case he gets thirsty, and an empty one, in case he doesn’t.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting Santa.”
“Inter...”
“Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas!”
😄 😄 😄
What did the dolphin say to the blue whale?
“Cheer up!”
😄 😄 😄
Yo daddy so ugly yo momma first saw him at the zoo.
😄 😄 😄
