Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly.
My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, “Don’t do that again.”
“Sorry,” I said, “It must be the nerves.”
“Fair enough,” he replied, “But there was no need to hold the microphone to your ass.”
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In your 20s: dress like you’re on the catwalk!
In your 40s: dress like you walk cats.
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I learn a lot in meetings.
For instance, did you know that by bending a paper clip once, you can make a pretty cool ‘S’?
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What did one ghost say to the other?
Get a life!
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Yo momma’s so ugly she makes a Gammorrean seem like an attractive date.
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I went to the gym to work out, and a group of buff guys walked past me and called me a fat loser.
Technically, they were right, because I lost a lot of fat.
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Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?
Like, I was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me “Hey! Watch It!”.
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From now on, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.
It’s a solid plan.
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I’m writing a book about reverse psychology.
Please don’t buy it.
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The cast of The Wizard of Oz go out for ice cream.
The Lion stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.
The Tinman stops licking his cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping his temples.
Dorothy stops licking her cone, yelling, “Ouch!” and gripping her temples.
The Scarecrow says, “What’s the matter with you guys?”
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Why shouldn’t you pick a green alien for your baseball team?
They’re not ripe yet.
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April doesn’t fool Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris fools April.
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Forgot it’s April Fools’!
What’s the simplest way to really quickly get some friends, so I can prank them?
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What do you call a suicide bomber that can tell the future?
A tarot-ist.
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Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
Today, it’s called golf.
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Snake: “Hisssss.”
Feminist Snake: “Herrrrrrr.”
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How do you know that you play WoW too often?
When your microwave does “DING!” and you reply “GZ!”.
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I got caught cheating on my physics exam.
Furious, my professor said to me, “I hope you understand the gravity of the situation!”
But if I had known that, I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.
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I got a pet owl named Robin.
Robin Hoo-d.
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