A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.
She must be exhausted.
😄 😄 😄
A guy is sitting outside on a bench eating a burger when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.
She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him, “You know, a cow died somewhere, so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?”
As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies, “It’s a shame for sure, but maybe if you weren’t eating its food, that cow might have lived.”
😄 😄 😄
How do we know the IRS likes poor people?
Because they appear to create so many of them.
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Wake up, the garbage truck is ready to pick you up.
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the moon eat anymore?
It was a full moon.
😄 😄 😄
What does a unicorn and my girlfriend have in common?
They’re both fictional.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call Spider-Man with 20 eyes?
Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider-Man.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the computer go to a cyber café?
Because it needed a byte to eat.
😄 😄 😄
So, it’s about 1961, and I am ever so proudly part of a land survey crew working in a local neighborhood.
A young boy comes out from his house and states, “My mom wants to know what you are doing here!”
I state, “Well, we’re surveyors!”
And as the crew continues down the street, I hear his mom ask, “Well, what are they doing, Tommy?”
To which Tommy responds, “Don’t worry, mom, they are survivors!”
😄 😄 😄
I just saw a burglar kick in his own door.
It looks like he was working from home.
😄 😄 😄
Where is the flu most common?
In cities with high levels of congestion.
😄 😄 😄
Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings.
One by one...
As each relative goes home.
😄 😄 😄
A Muslim man told his wife that she needed to start embracing her mistakes.
So she gave him a hug.
😄 😄 😄
Good morning!
Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.
😄 😄 😄
A guy goes to see a doctor.
Guy: “Doc, I have a kingdom of ants inside my butt, and these be killing me, what can we do?”
Doc: “Get a watermelon, sit on it, once the ant king gets a taste, he’ll call his friends to join him out.”
And sure enough our guy does as instructed, after hours of watermelon sitting, the ant king comes out for a little taste.
The ant king: “BOYS, BRING IT IN!”
😄 😄 😄
On 4 July, what do you get when you put a photo of America in a locket?
Then it becomes in-da-pendant.
😄 😄 😄
What does a hungry math teacher like to eat?
A square meal.
😄 😄 😄
Math, the only world where you can buy 140 watermelons without your motives being questioned.
😄 😄 😄
A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
They celebrate it in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.
The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife, “Isn’t it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?”
The wife replies saying, “Yes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50 years ago, only back then we were sitting here without clothes,” with a naughty voice.
Both don’t doubt for a moment and they take off their clothes. They sit back down at the table giggling.
The wife says, “You know honey, even my mamillae are just as hot as 50 years ago.”
“No wonder,” the man replies, “one of them is hanging in your tea and the other one in your soup!”
😄 😄 😄
I’m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.
😄 😄 😄
