How many Mcdonald’s workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they can’t climb the ladder.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Otto.”
“Otto, who?”
“You otto know April Fools’ is on April 1.”
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A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview.
The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.
The first one asks, “Who do you think the best soccer player in the world is?”
The smart guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.
The second interviewer asks, “When did the phone come out?”
The smart guy replies, “The first telephone came out in 1876 and the first phone came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Do you believe in UFOs?”
The smart guy replies, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
He leaves and the dumb guy begs him for the answers, and so in the end the smart guy gives them to him.
Unfortunately, the panel of interviews knew that the dumb guy wasn’t that bright so the first one asked, “Who is your father?”
The dumb guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.”
The second interview asks, “When were you born?”
He replied, “I came out at first in 1876 but then I also came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Are you dumb?”
The dumb guy says, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
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Before you say “Tesla” backwards, make sure everyone’s ready.
All set?
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Why are the most attractive males in the anthill also very learned?
Because they’re stud-ants.
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Zoom meetings is a stupid name, and it’s branded.
We should call it a bit more casual like “coworker video chat” or something shorter, like “co-vid”.
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A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”
She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.
At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”
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What happened to the Elf on the Shelf who met a skunk?
He became elfully stinky!
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What’s the scariest thing to do on Friday the 13th?
Check your bank account.
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A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.
The farmer says, “Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses.”
The policeman says, “Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse’s ass?”
The farmer says, “Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing.”
The policeman says, “Well, that’s a good thing, then.”
The farmer adds, “But it’s hard to fool those circle flies.”
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Why couldn’t the astronaut book a room on the Harvest Moon?
Because it was full!
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Guess what my doctor told me?
Laughter is the best medicine. I guess you bring the smile to my face.
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Elon Musk has come up with a foolproof plan of destroying Apple because they refuse to advertise on Twitter.
He plans to buy it.
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The only love triangle I want is a slice of pizza.
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A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him, “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.”
Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking, just like he always did.
His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husband’s underwear as he slept.
A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.
After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. “What happened?” asked the wife.
“You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry, honey, after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
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What’s a terrorist’s favorite day in November?
Bomb fire night.
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An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip.
Now and then, the rabbi’s grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable.
After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, “I wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What’s your secret?”
The rabbi replied, “Think about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of God. So they look up to me.
But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?”
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I watched hockey before it was cool.
They basically were swimming.
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An Englishman and an Irishman go to a bakery.
The Englishman steals three buns, puts them into his pockets and leaves.
He says to the Irishman, “That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn’t even see me.”
“That’s just simple thievery,” the Irishman replied. “I’ll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same results.”
The Irishman then proceeded to call out the owner of the bakery and said, “Sir, I want to show you a magic trick.”
The owner was intrigued so he came over to see the magic trick.
The Irishman asked him for a bun and then he proceeded to eat it. He asked two more times.
And after eating them again the owner says, “Okay my friend, where’s the magic trick?”
The Irishman then said, “Look in the Englishman’s pockets.”
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How do you know it’s time to retire?
It’s when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!
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