Me: “You know that foundation called ‘Autism Speaks’?”
My friend: “No, it screeches.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?
Neal.
😄 😄 😄
Your sister is so ugly when she goes to the bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris once stared into the abyss… and it looked away.
😄 😄 😄
An American Indian meets a cowboy. Since neither of them knows each other’s language, they start a sign conversation.
Indian approaches first, pointing his finger to cowboy’s chest.
Cowboy responds with pointing his two fingers to Indian’s face.
Then Indian makes a rooftop gesture with his hands.
To which cowboy reacts with a waving motion of his right hand.
Cowboy returns home and tells his wife about what happened to him, “I met one crazy Indian in the desert. Right after seeing me, he told that he’s going to shoot me in the chest, and I responded that I’ll screw up his eyes before that. He then promised to bury me, and I told him that he’ll sleep with the fishes if he plans to harm me.”
Indian returns home and speaks to his wife, “I met one crazy cowboy in the desert. When I asked him who he was, he told me he’s a goat. I inquired “mountain goat?”, and he responded “no, waterfowl”.”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris doesn’t wear shoes to protect his feet from the ground.
He wears them to protect the ground from his feet.
😄 😄 😄
An artist, a lawyer and a programmer are discussing the merits of a mistress.
The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered.
The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce and bankruptcy.
The programmer says, “It’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. My wife thinks I’m with my mistress. My mistress thinks I’m home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Banana.”
“Banana, who?”
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Banana.”
“Banana, who?”
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Orange.”
“Orange, who?”
“Orange you glad I didn’t say banana!”
😄 😄 😄
Why do zombies speak Latin?
Because it’s a dead language.
😄 😄 😄
What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?
By the time she got home, it was toast!
😄 😄 😄
Your breath stinks!
Get up and brush your teeth!
😄 😄 😄
You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?
Diabetes.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
Ice cream.
😄 😄 😄
A friend of mine accidentally deleted my game data and told me to calm down.
So, after a nice cup of tea, I hid his body.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
😄 😄 😄
Shouldn’t you be minding your business and looking out for low flying objects?
😄 😄 😄
When I was a kid, I told everyone that when I grew up, I wanted to be a stand-up comedian. They all laughed.
Well, I got a job doing stand-up in a comedy club and no one’s laughing now.
😄 😄 😄
What is the most common illness in China?
Kung Flu.
😄 😄 😄
Coronavirus is all Gen Z’s fault.
They wanted everything to go viral, now look what’s happened.
😄 😄 😄
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”
😄 😄 😄
