I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...
They’re too fast. I’d never win.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve opened three birthday cards, and I’m already $150 up.
I love being a postman!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the electrician stay home on Labor Day?
He needed to recharge his batteries.
😄 😄 😄
You have a message, wake up, lazybones!
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Deathrow’s last meal.
The officer asks the inmate what would be his last meal.
The inmate replies, “I want mangoes”.
Officer says, “It is not mango season yet.”
Inmate says, “I guess I would just have to wait.”
😄 😄 😄
How do you make any salad into a Caesar salad?
Stab it twenty-three times.
😄 😄 😄
Who is never hungry on Thanksgiving?
The turkey, because he’s already stuffed.
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What did the alien say to the flower bed?
Take me to your weeder!
😄 😄 😄
When my boss asked me who was stupid, me or him, I told him he doesn’t hire stupid people.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the dyslexic refuse to wear a polo shirt?
Because he was Lacoste intolerant.
😄 😄 😄
Sergeant: “I didn’t see you at camouflage training.”
Private: “Thank you, sir!”
😄 😄 😄
What happened to the man who got behind on payments to his exorcist?
He got repossessed.
😄 😄 😄
I am sweating like a snowman in the desert.
😄 😄 😄
I really want to start a donut shop.
But I don’t have enough dough.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Thor sit comfortably on a cactus?
He has an Asgard.
😄 😄 😄
I was always told you lose a lot of friends after deciding to better yourself.
I never believed it until all of my friends disappeared after I started taking my schizophrenia medication.
😄 😄 😄
A couple just had their first son.
The husband is half Irish and half Indian, the wife is half Chinese and half Italian. That’s a lot of heritage to inherit.
They talk about it and they discover they both wish to have their son named after THEIR heritage.
A terrible argument ensues, causing both of them a lot of anguish.
After a few days, they finally came to a decision that made both of them happy. They decided on the name: Ravi O’Lee.
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the moon eat anymore?
It was a full moon.
😄 😄 😄
There is rumor of a new “Amish Flu” out of Pennsylvania.
The symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little horse and buggy.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama’s so short that she can play handball on the curb.
😄 😄 😄
