The ice cream parlor asks for my order.
Parlor: “Hello Sir, can I take your order?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a male hot fudge sundae please.”
Parlor: “I’m sorry Sir, a male hot fudge sundae?”
Me: “Yes, with nuts.”
😄 😄 😄
Dog: “Where are you going?”
Ant: “My step brother—the elephant—has met with an accident. Since we have the same blood group, I am going to donate some blood for him.
😄 😄 😄
Have a fantastic day, weirdo!
😄 😄 😄
There was a certain knight who’d always endure all pains in battle. Guess what?
He was a Sir Vivor.
😄 😄 😄
John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.
His buddies are amazed, “There is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?”
“It’s simple,” John says, “I lied to her about my age.”
“Did you tell her you were 50?” his friends ask.
John shakes his head no.
“There is no way she could believe you were 40.”
John shakes his head again.
Friends: “So how old did you tell her you were exactly?”
John smiles and says, “85.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the roofing company fire the roofer who went to the bathroom too often?
His waste factor was too high.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the donut visit the dentist?
He needed a chocolate filling.
😄 😄 😄
Everyone always says that hot dogs suck.
I think German sausages are the wurst!
😄 😄 😄
An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.
The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, “Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene, we must cut it off.”
The English prisoner said, “Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing.”
The German replied, “Yeah, that will not be a problem.”
A few weeks later, the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off.
The Englishman says, “Well, could drop it over England like you did last time.”
“Yeah, that will be done,” says the German.
The next day, the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off.
Once again, the Brit says, “Well, could you do the same as before?”
The German replies, “Yeah.”
The next day, the German tells him they have to cut his other leg.
“Well,” begins the Brit, “could you just...”
The German snapped, “No! We think you are trying to escape!”
😄 😄 😄
With great power comes a great electricity bill.
😄 😄 😄
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
There was dead silence... The rest of the year went quite smoothly.
😄 😄 😄
A blonde crashed a helicopter.
The police officer asked her what happened.
She says, “It got cold, so I turned off the fan.”
😄 😄 😄
Passenger: “One ticket to New York, please.”
Bus driver: “By way of Buffalo?”
Passenger: “No, by bus!”
😄 😄 😄
Two drunk guys walk into a hotel.
Skippering one word after another, they finally manage to make themselves understood by the girl at the reception.
“So you want the cheapest double room we have, right? The only free one is on the 100th floor, but the elevator is broken.”
The two guys, in order not to spend the night sleeping on a bench, load their luggage and leave for the staircase.
Since one hundred floors, drunk and with heavy bags is a really tough challenge, they decide to tell a joke every five floors.
When they reach the fiftieth floor, one of them starts laughing.
“What happened? Have you remembered a very good joke?” asks the first.
“This joke is just so hilarious! Actually, it’s so good that I’ll save it for later!” answers the second guy.
When they reach the 75th floor, the same guy bursts laughing even harder.
“Are you okay? Are you still thinking about that joke from earlier?” asks worried the first.
“Yeah, but this one is soooooo good, I’ll save it for when we finish,” answers the other guy.
Finally, exhausted and tired, they reach the 100th floor.
Panting, the first boy asks, “So, what is this joke that has tormented you so much?”
Still breathless, the other replies, “Hey, do you remember the girl who was at the reception? Here, we left before she gave us the keys.”
😄 😄 😄
A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.
After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.
Minutes later, the rooster walks in.
He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.
😄 😄 😄
Lady says to pharmacist, “Why does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?”
Pharmacist replies, “Cause that’s all we’ve documented so far.”
😄 😄 😄
First friend: “I poop every morning at 8 a.m.”
Second friend: “Hey, it’s good to be regular. What’s the problem?”
First friend, “I wake up at 9 a.m.”
😄 😄 😄
How many Mcdonald’s workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because they can’t climb the ladder.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Otto.”
“Otto, who?”
“You otto know April Fools’ is on April 1.”
😄 😄 😄
A stupid guy and a smart guy have a job interview.
The smart guy goes into the interview room first and is met by three people on the panel.
The first one asks, “Who do you think the best soccer player in the world is?”
The smart guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.
The second interviewer asks, “When did the phone come out?”
The smart guy replies, “The first telephone came out in 1876 and the first phone came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Do you believe in UFOs?”
The smart guy replies, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
He leaves and the dumb guy begs him for the answers, and so in the end the smart guy gives them to him.
Unfortunately, the panel of interviews knew that the dumb guy wasn’t that bright so the first one asked, “Who is your father?”
The dumb guy replies, “Before it was Ronaldo but now it’s Messi.”
The second interview asks, “When were you born?”
He replied, “I came out at first in 1876 but then I also came out in 1973.”
The last interviewer asked, “Are you dumb?”
The dumb guy says, “I don’t know, but I think so.”
😄 😄 😄
