Me and my childhood crush are getting married next week.
Me on Wednesday and she on Saturday.
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Why did the mushroom break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was toxic!
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It’s so hot in the Apple store because they have no Windows.
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A mummy calls a restaurant.
“Hello, I’d like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.”
“Could you spell it out, please?” said the voice from the restaurant.
“Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal’s head, and a scarab.”
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Good morning!
Remember, life is like a roll of toilet paper.
The closer you get to the end, the faster it goes.
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I met my wife while we were working at the same museum.
Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history.
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Generating all of our power from solar energy...
... it’s not going to happen overnight!
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Why do cemeteries contain the best stories?
Because they have so many plots.
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Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”
Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!
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Latest space news:
Uranus has a huge split in it and is leaking methane.
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What has four legs but can’t walk?
Half an octopus.
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Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
Because every Juan that can jump, run, and swim is already in the U.S.
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How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
10. 1 to change the lightbulb and the other 9 to say “I could do that”.
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What does Spider-Man do when he gets angry?
He goes up the wall.
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What do you call it when Spider-Man defeats Iron Man?
Tony Stuck.
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What did the donuts do on their date?
They glazed into each other’s eyes.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.
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What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A six-foot toothbrush.
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A blind man visits Texas.
When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed, “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge bar stool and orders a beer.
A mug is placed between his hands, “Wow, these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few drinks, the blind man asks where the bathroom is.
“Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in.
Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris got into a staring contest with the sun today.
The sun blinked.
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