What do farmers use to make crop circles?
A pro-tractor.
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Yo mama’s so fat she blew up the Deathstar.
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What’s the best way to talk to The Mind Flayer?
From a distance.
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What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
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Why do Jack-o-lanterns have wicked smiles?
Because they just had their brains scooped out!
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What does Dr. Frankenstein call the cemetery?
Human Resources.
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I’ve decided to stop going to my doctor now I’ve found out he’s into astrology.
I went to get the results of a scan and all he had to say was “I’ve consulted your chart and I can see Cancer is rising in Uranus”.
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Last year, I had a job at the bowling alley.
It wasn’t for long though; I was only tenpin.
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Tesla founder Elon Musk is originally from South Africa, which is strange.
You’d think he was from mad-at-gas-car.
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How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?
Apply the pumpkin patch.
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Yo mama so stupid when she threw a grenade at me, I pulled the pin and threw it back.
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A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication.
When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.
She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, “Yes, my husband is sick. I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said, “Sure.”
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.”
The man heard her little prayer and replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.”
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!”
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What do you call a mushroom that has nothing nice to say?
A shii-talkin mushroom.
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What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
“To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.”
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The teacher asks Little Johnny if he knows his numbers.
“Yes,” he says, “my daddy taught me.”
“Can you tell me what comes after three?”
“Four,” answers Little Johnny.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven,” answers Little Johnny.
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?”
“A jack,” answers Little Johnny.
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Why can’t two ghosts make out?
They go right through each other.
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I don’t believe in hitting my children as punishment.
So I teach them Fortnite dances and send them to school so that other kids can beat them instead.
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You are so fat when you walk with your friends it looks like they are orbiting you.
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I hate being a depressed atheist.
Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.
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A man was fishing in the jungle.
After a while another angler came to join him.
“Have you had any bites?” asked the second man.
“Yes, lots,” replied the first one, “but they were all mosquitoes.”
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