Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.
One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.
After supper she went out and put up a sign: “Beware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!”
A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.
Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!!”
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Yo mama so dumb she thought Call of Duty was a game about pooping.
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Why are spiders so smart?
They can find everything on the web.
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In honor of St. Patrick’s day, I’m here to tell you everything I know about leprechauns.
Very little.
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An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber
Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge.
He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot, “Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!”
The bomber pilot replies, “Oh, yeah? Let’s see you do this!” and keeps flying straight and level.
The fighter jock asks, “Um... What did you do?”
The B-52 pilot says, “I just shut down two engines.”
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How did Thanksgiving go at your place?” the bartender asks.
“Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking,” the guy says. “So I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors.”
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I go to the store and buy ten hot dogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas.
If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?
No self-control.
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Did you hear about the world crossword puzzle champion who died?
He was buried six feet down and three feet across.
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What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a millionaire?
A bunny with money.
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Batman goes to a party. To his surprise, he sees that the Joker is there too.
“He must be up to something,” he thinks. And so he sneaks up behind him, knocks him out, and puts him in a back room.
When walks out, he sees the Joker again.
“How did he recover so quickly?” Once again he knocks him out and puts him in the back room.
Coming out a third time, he sees the Joker yet again.
“How can this be?!” Now furious, Batman confronts him, grabs him by his vest, and shouts, “What are you doing here, Joker?!”
And he replies, “I’m enjoying this Halloween party, dude!”
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What motorbikes do ghosts prefer?
A boocati.
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My wife says she’s leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
I said, “Please don’t go, honey. You’re the Obi-Wan for me.”
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Chuck Norris can fly, because gravity is too scared to make him obey her law.
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Why was the bearded man appointed as the sheriff in the town?
He had a gunslinger beard!
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I like working from home.
It’s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
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Yo momma is so dumb she makes Gungans look smart.
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Bill and Melinda were happy for 27 years
And then Bill started working from home.
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Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike.
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What do farmers use to make crop circles?
A pro-tractor.
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Yo mama’s so fat she blew up the Deathstar.
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