Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Pat.”
“Pat, who?”
“Pat on your coat—we’re going to the St. Patty’s Day parade.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the pineapple stop in the middle of the road?
Because he ran out of juice.
😄 😄 😄
How do you tell poisonous mushrooms apart from edible ones?
You give them to someone else to eat first.
😄 😄 😄
What do nuns do?
Nunthing.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
Start off with a big fortune!
😄 😄 😄
I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”
The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.”
The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air,” the man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”
😄 😄 😄
What is the musical part of a snake?
The scales.
😄 😄 😄
Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer.
Alex—a little boy of nine—was playing ball in his yard.
He saw the farmer and asked, “What’ve you got in your trailer?”
“Manure,” farmer Smith replied.
“What are you going to do with it?” asked Alex.
“Put it on my pumpkins,” answered the farmer.
Alex replied, “You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.”
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the barber ask the question about beards?
He was shaving it for later.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the watermelon have brown spots all over its skin?
It had melonoma.
😄 😄 😄
I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed.
Good morning!
😄 😄 😄
A golden rule of the wife:
There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be created.
😄 😄 😄
Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?
It’s the depth charges.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
😄 😄 😄
You know you’re 50 when you and your teeth have decided that a separation is the best thing for your relationship.
😄 😄 😄
3 men talk about their wives.
The first one says, “My wife is like a butterfly—so delicate and pretty.”
The second one, “Mine is like a baby deer—beautiful and gracious.”
After a moment of silence the third one goes, “Now that I think about it mine doesn’t look much human either.”
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man likes toy tops because they are always spinning.
😄 😄 😄
Someone keeps sending me roses with the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked.
😄 😄 😄
How does a dyslexic person spell “baldy”?
Badly.
😄 😄 😄
How do you make an apple turnover?
Push it down hill.
😄 😄 😄
