I was depressed in my job as a guillotine operator.
I just couldn’t see myself getting ahead in life with that job.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so fat that carbonite was encased in her.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!”
😄 😄 😄
After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.
Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.
Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattle’s was cold.
The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.
He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.
His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacher’s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.
When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.
Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:
Dearest wife,
Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. The appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.
Your loving husband.
PS. Things are not as we thought. You’re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.
😄 😄 😄
Why are bass guitarists always safe?
Because they stay out of treble.
😄 😄 😄
I work at a barber shop and I recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut.
Everyone looks surprised.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
😄 😄 😄
What did the salad say to the chef?
Lett-uce go!
😄 😄 😄
My grandma got a hip replacement.
My new grandma is a 24-year-old barista and an aspiring artist.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man have such good comebacks?
Because with great power comes with great response-ability.
😄 😄 😄
What sauce do zombies use on Thanksgiving?
Grave-y!
😄 😄 😄
A mother tells her little boy, “Johnny, you mustn’t eat too many lollies or I’ll hide the lolly jar.”
Johnny asks, “Why?”
His mother says, “Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!”
The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman.
He points to her belly smiling and says, “I know what you’ve been doing.”
😄 😄 😄
I tried to post a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys.
But it was removed because of fowl language.
😄 😄 😄
Why do otters sleep on their backs?
Because it’s otterly blissful.
😄 😄 😄
I am sweating like a cactus in a greenhouse.
😄 😄 😄
Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic.
But it was a false salaam.
😄 😄 😄
We’re not socks.
But I think we’d make a great pair.
😄 😄 😄
What is the core of Uranus called?
Urectum.
😄 😄 😄
An old cowboy walks into a barbershop for a shave and a haircut.
He tells the barber he can’t get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he’s finished, the old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he’d had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that little ball. The barber replied, “Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.”
😄 😄 😄
I bought a gold-scented candle and burned it.
It had a very rich aroma.
😄 😄 😄
