Things I learned in organic chemistry:
How to draw hexagons.
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Why was the blueberry muffin so sad?
It was feeling a little crumby.
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Yo mama so old her birth certificate says “Expired”.
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Crush: “Why should I trust you? All the guys I’ve been dating have been dogs.”
Me: “...”
Crush: “Well? Aren’t you going to say anything?”
Me: “... meow?”
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It’s so hot and humid outside, the air ironed the wrinkles out of my shirt.
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How many motivational speakers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Zero, because the change starts with you.
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Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie from drowning in the ocean?
He was just too far out, man.
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Did you hear about the pig who got sick after catching a flight?
Swine flu.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Somebody too short to ring the doorbell!”
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I made a chicken salad this morning.
This stupid thing is he won’t eat it.
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Daisy: “Why do you have two different colored socks on? One’s blue, but the other is green.”
Little Johnny: “I’m not sure. It’s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.”
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A car salesman asked me, “What are you looking for in a car?”
I said, “It has to be affordable.”
He said, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve never heard of a Ford Ibble.”
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Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”
Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!
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Why are the cranberries red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
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Last, I declare you the weiner of the food contest.
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What did the doctor ask the composer right before his colonoscopy?
“How many movements?”
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How do dolphins compute?
They use a Central Porpoising Unit.
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Why couldn’t the astronaut book a room on the Harvest Moon?
Because it was full!
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My girlfriend has a great job down at the brewery despite having only one leg.
She’s in charge of the hops.
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Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.
One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.
After supper she went out and put up a sign: “Beware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!”
A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.
Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!!”
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