How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
They’re all girls! If they were boys, they’d be uncles.
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I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop, but I turned it down.
I don’t like working on sundaes.
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Chuck Norris plays the violin with a piano.
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Did you hear that Johnny’s grandma is 80% Irish?
Her name is Iris.
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How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?
Juans upon a time.
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What’s the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Harold.”
“Harold, who?”
“Hark the Harold Angels Sing!”
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Several aristocrats are having a party on a cruise ship, when the captain comes down and interrupts.
“I have some good news and some bad news,” he says. “Which do you want to hear first?”
“Good!” everyone says in unison.
The captain says, “We won eleven Oscars!”
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You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
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What’s the most intelligent mountain?
The Cleverest.
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“Waiter, will my pizza be long?”
“No sir, it will be round!”
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What do you call a clock on the Harvest Moon?
A lunartick.
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On Monday morning, rolling out of bed is easy...
Getting up off the floor is another story.
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You so dumb you tried to put a key in your computer’s keyboard.
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A farmer has transported his watermelons to a roadside stand to sell.
At the end of the day there are a couple hundred left, and he isn’t looking forward to the tedious process of loading them back on the truck, taking them back to the farm, then reversing the process the next morning.
He comes up with a labor-saving solution: Next to the bin where his melons are carefully arranged, he places a large sign saying “ONE OF THESE IS POISONED”.
Reassured, he goes home to sleep.
In the morning, he comes back to find that someone has written on his sign “Now there are two”.
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What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?
The elf-abet.
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Yo mama so hairy the only language she speaks is wookie.
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How does Uranus like its coffee?
Black, with a little bit of gas.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Europe.”
“Europe, who?”
“No, YOU’RE a poo!”
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Things I learned in organic chemistry:
How to draw hexagons.
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