I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla.
Ice creamed!
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An alien drops by the White House and exclaims, “Take me to your leader.”
The alien is introduced to Donald Trump, who ushers it into the oval office to chat. 30 seconds later, the alien exits the room and walks back towards his ship.
“Where are you going?! Our worlds have so much to discuss and learn from one another!” calls a Senator.
“You are right,” responds the alien.
“See you on Thursday!”
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A doctor was chatting at a party with a chartered accountant.
He asked, “How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble? Just because I am a doctor. Not fair!”
The CA friend replied coolly, “Just tell them the right things politely, but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning. Only once. Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately.”
“Wow! Thanks for the tip,” said the doctor.
The next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend: “Consulting charges for Business Development”.
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Why did the student eat his homework?
Because he didn’t have a dog.
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Guess what the doctor just told me?
I need some sunshine so that’s why I got you to brighten my day.
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Why are two blonde girls fighting on a motorcycle?
They are fighting because they both want to sit next to the window.
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It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.
Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.
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Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants.
I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for me, because it’s comfortable.
Who cares if you can see my balls?
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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
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What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?
An ambulance!
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An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Egg.”
“Egg, who?”
“Egg-cited for breakfast?”
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Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
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I am sweating like a crocodile in a handbag factory.
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An actor I know fell through the floor recently.
It’s just a stage he was going through.
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What do you get when you cross Spider-Man with a flatbread?
Pita Parker.
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When you’re a camel, every day is hump day!
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A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”
The barman looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asks the brain.
“You’re already out of your head.”
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What do you call people with big ears?
Nothing, they might hear you.
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Good morning, workmate!
Being around you has inspired me... to quit as well as locate a new work!
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