I have 4 noses, 10 eyes, 20 legs, and 6 fingers, What am I?
Ugly.
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Why did the computer go to a cyber café?
Because it needed a byte to eat.
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Where does a beard stylist buy their grooming products?
At a Shaven Eleven.
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Chuck Norris called 911 and asked if they needed help.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“I eep.”
“I eep, who?”
“Gross, you eat poo?!”
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What do plumbers, garbage men, and economists all have in common?
They all deal with gross domestic product.
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A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a Buddhist monk on the other side.
There are no bridges. He has no boat.
He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank, “How do I get to the other side?”
The Buddhist monk shouts back, “You are on the other side!”
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What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?
Why so Sirius?
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A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.
A gang of snails approaches him and beats him up.
Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station.
Herman walks into the Sergeant’s office.
“What happened to you? the officer asks.
“A gang of snails beat me up,” Herman replied.
“Can you describe what they looked like?”
“I don’t know,” the sloth says. “It all happened so fast.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Uriah.”
“Uriah, who?”
“Keep Uriah on the birthday cake, it’s about to be lit!”
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What killed the painter?
He had too many strokes.
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Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect.
I saw him speak a while ago and he said, “I’m the second guy to walk on the moon...”
“Neil before me.”
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Yo mama’s so fat her durasteel armor has stretch marks!
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What do Darth Vader and Michael Jackson have in common?
They both escaped the dark side.
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Wife asks, “Why are you watching our wedding video backwards?”
Husband: “I like the part when I take the ring off your finger, leave church and go to the bar with friends.”
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Yo momma so black she makes Lando Calrissian look like Casper.
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What do you call someone who isn’t a redhead but colors their hair red later in life?
A trans-ginger
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A husband and wife had a fight.
Wife called her mom, “He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.”
Mom: “No, dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!”
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Good morning!
The boss is out sick so I’m taking it upon myself to declare today a sick day for us all. Go back to bed!
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What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?
She said, “God was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.”
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