Sorry I didn’t respond to your email in a timely fashion.
I literally cannot tell days apart anymore and thought today was two weeks ago.
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Why shouldn’t you pick a green alien for your baseball team?
They’re not ripe yet.
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If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
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The English teacher in India.
Teacher: “Tell me a sentence that starts with an ‘I’.”
Student: “I is the...”
Teacher: “Stop! Never put ‘is’ after an ‘I’. Always put ‘am’ after an ‘I’.”
Student: “OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn’t want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”
The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!”
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.
Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Darn, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
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My tailor really likes fixing my clothes.
Or sew it seams.
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Boy: “Hey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend.”
Girl: “I have a boyfriend.”
Boy: “I have a math test tomorrow.”
Girl: “What does that have to do with anything?”
Boy: “I thought we were listing things we could cheat on.”
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I used to work at an orange juice factory but was fired because I couldn’t concentrate.
So I tried my hand at being a lumberjack. I couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.
Then I gave being a barber a go. But I didn’t cut it.
I was then hired as a tailor and found I wasn’t suited for the job.
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What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?
Jail-y Donuts.
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Someone came to the door asking if I’ve considered selling elevators to my friends and family.
I’m so sick of Multi Level Marketing.
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How do camels hide from predators?
Camel-flage.
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What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?
A rookie.
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What music does the Easter Bunny listen to while hiding eggs?
Hip hop.
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My brother is a lacto-ovo-pesco-pollo-carne-vegetarian.
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What is the common thing between an entrepreneur and a suicide bomber?
Do the job well on the first try and they are set for life.
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When Chuck Norris looks into the mirror it breaks because nobody gets between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
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They ran out crying ‘bird flu’!!!
I looked up and couldn’t see any, I’m sure they were lying.
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Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There’s always yelling, crying, and plate-throwing.
Also, it’s hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.
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What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?
OLAY.
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December is the worst time of the year for someone who is...
Claus-trophobic!
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