An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road
The driver discovers he has no service and can’t call for help. Just as he starts walking, a shiny new BMW stops next to him.
“Hey man, having car trouble?” the driver asks.
“I’m afraid so,” the driver of the Fiat answers.
“Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I’ll tow you to the nearest garage,” says the BMW driver.
The Fiat driver is overjoyed at this and together they couple the little hatchback to the BMW using a rope.
As the BMW driver gets in, the Fiat driver asks him something, “This is an old car, so please drive carefully.”
The BMW driver nods his head, “Just honk if I’m going too fast.” With that, he gets in and they drive away.
They drive for a while, when suddenly a Porsche races by them. The BMW driver doesn’t like this blow to his ego at all and starts chasing down the Porsche.
As they race down the road, they pass a farm.
The farmer looks at the spectacle and walks inside.
“What’s the matter with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” his wife says.
The farmer replies, “I just saw a BMW and Porsche racing, and an old Fiat honking to get past.”
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What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
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Two flies are playing soccer on a plate.
One says to the other, “You’d better pick up your game, Louie, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.”
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Why didn’t the roast chicken cross the road?
It didn’t have the guts anymore.
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What do you call a lazy man in space?
A procrastronaut.
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I wish I had as much hope as the guy driving the ice cream truck around in February.
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A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City before leaving on vacation and requests a $5,000 loan.
“Okay, miss, is there anything you’d like to use as collateral?” the banker inquires.
The lady says, “Of course, yes. I’ll drive in my Rolls Royce.”
Stunned, the banker inquires, “A Rolls Royce for $250,000? Really?”
The woman is completely positive. As the bankers and loan officers laugh at her, she hands over the keys. They check her credentials to ensure she is the rightful owner of the title. Everything is in order. They keep it for two weeks in their underground garage.
When she returns, she repays the $5,000 loan plus the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we appreciate your business, but I have one question. We looked you up and discovered you are a multi-millionaire. What makes you think you need $5,000?”
“Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?” the woman responds.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
After a very long pause.
“Java.”
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How do you make a Chinese man no longer Asian?
Just spin him around in circles until he’s disoriented.
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Why did the lawyer keep bringing popcorn to the courtroom?
They wanted to be a salty attorney.
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My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
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Did you hear about the Pinterest user who tried to cook a recipe they found on the site?
Let’s just say they added a new pin to their recipe board “Order Takeout!”.
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The moon is so cheeky, it’s always playing lunar-tricks.
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If you’re looking for Spider-Man, you can always find him on the web.
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Why was Spider-Man such a bad driver?
Because he was always spinning out.
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Chuck Norris counted to infinity.
Twice.
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When does a farmer dance?
When he drops the beet.
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HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
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Why is Twisted Fate an illegal immigrant?
Because he doesn’t have a green card.
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What do you call a line of people gathered to roast Justin Bieber?
Bieberqueue.
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