What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?
Sick and twisted.
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A popular motivational speaker was entertaining his audience.
He said: “The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who wasn’t my wife!”
The audience was in silence and shock.
The speaker added: “And that woman was my mother!”
Laughter and applause.
A week later, a top manager trained by the motivational speaker tried to crack this very effective joke at home during a small party.
He was a bit foggy after having a drink or two.
He said loudly, “The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife!”
The wife went red with shock and rage.
Standing there for 20 seconds trying to recall the second half of the joke, with the guests not saying a word, the manager finally blurted out, “And I can’t remember who she was!”
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I asked my friend if he’d bought his wife a gift for Valentine’s Day.
He’s a bit of a chauvinist pig, so he surprised me when he replied, “Yeah, I’ve got her a belt and a bag.”
I said, “That’s very thoughtful of you. I hope she appreciates it.”
He said, “So do I. And hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work much better now.”
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Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
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Good morning!
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I’m aiming for the cheese today!
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I told my friend that I want to live on Uranus.
They said, “I guess you’re really into extreme living conditions!”
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I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.
He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.
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Why did the mushroom have to leave her home?
It was growing toxic by the day.
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Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
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The Twitter Files...
... are now the X-Files.
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Why is it impossible for a flat Earther to calculate the volume of the Earth?
Because there is always a rounding error.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because it was free range.
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In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness—a grandmotherly, elderly woman—to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you’ll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned.
Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair!”
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If you shrunk the entire solar system down so that the sun was at the top of your head and the orbit of Pluto was at your feet, Uranus would be exactly where you would expect it to be.
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What does the Elf on the Shelf use to write with on the blackboard?
Chalk-olate.
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Akpos’s wife was busy singing in the bedroom.
Akpos: “You know, my dear, when you sing like that, I just wish you were on a radio.
Wife: “Wow, honey. Am I that good?”
Akpos: “No, at least on a radio I can change the station.”
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So I’m in IKEA and I ask the salesperson, “Is this a finished desk?”
And she says, “No, it’s Swedish.”
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Why do women like men with beards?
Because they immediately see something that they can change!
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What did the therapist say to the moon?
Don’t worry, you’re just going through a phase.
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Why doesn’t Spider-Man like rice?
It reminds him of Uncle Ben.
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