A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”
The barman looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asks the brain.
“You’re already out of your head.”
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Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Tank.”
“Tank, who?”
“Tank you for inviting me to your birthday party!”
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I didn’t know that Covid-19 was a thing until I saw your eyebrows and your hairline social distancing.
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How do you call a suicide bomber with Tourette’s?
A ticking time bomb.
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Did you know, you can make any dish an autumn dish by adding one simple step?
Try dropping it on the floor.
It really gives it that fall flavor.
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The hot dog asked his friend, “Have you been to the German nightclub yet?”
His friend hadn’t, it was too krauted.
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What has four legs but can’t walk?
Half an octopus.
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Employee: “Can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: “Certainly not.”
Employee: “Thank you so much! I knew you would be understanding.”
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A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first-ever graveside burial service at a pauper’s cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.
Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.
He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.
As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, “Do you know, fancy that, I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”
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A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
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The worst part about being a giraffe...
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
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How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama?
One Mississippi.
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How many Catholics does it take to change a light bulb?
Nun.
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In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two live lobsters, at least three pounds, one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed.
Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says, “Well me laddie, I got you this time with two live lobsters, three weeks after the season closed!”
The Newfie says, “No, my son. You are wrong! These are two trained lobsters I caught two weeks before the season ended.”
The Fisheries Officer says, “Trained? Like how?”
“Well, my son, each day I takes these two from my house, down to the wharf, and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim, I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles, and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!”
“Likely story,” the Fisheries Officer says. “Let’s take them on down to the wharf and see if its true.”
So, the Newfoundlander goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.
The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another.
After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, “How about whistling?”
The Newfoundlander says, “What for?”
The Fisheries Officer says, “To call in the lobsters.”
“What lobsters?” the Newfie asks.
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With great power comes a great electricity bill.
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What day creates the most alternative energy?
Winds-Day.
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I rang work and said, “I can’t come in today. I have a wee cough.”
The boss said, “You have a wee cough?”
I said, “Wow, thanks, boss! See you next Wednesday!”
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While I was at the gym, I decided to hop on a treadmill.
People started giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
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What’s the one thing in this human life that you can count on?
A calculator.
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