How would the moon get their baby moon to sleep?
They rocket!
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I tell you, my wife is a lousy cook.
After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth, I count them!
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“All the kids make fun of me,” the boy cried to his mother, “They say I have a big head.”
“Don’t listen to them,” his mother comforted him, “You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes.”
Boy: “Where’s the shopping bag?”
Mother: “I haven’t got one, use your hat.”
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A man asked his wife, “What would you most like for your birthday?”
She said, “I’d love to be ten again.”
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.
He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.
She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.
Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.
At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
Her husband leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”
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Yo momma’s so fat she could put Coruscant out of orbit.
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A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
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A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication.
When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.
She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, “Yes, my husband is sick. I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said, “Sure.”
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.”
The man heard her little prayer and replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.”
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!”
😄 😄 😄
I got really hungry when we visited the Alpaca Farm, next time Alpaca lunch.
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All this spending on Black Friday.
Better make sure you pay the electric bill first or next Friday will be Black Friday too.
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What is software?
It’s the part of a computer you can’t hit.
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Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic.
But it was a false salaam.
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A hockey player was asked, “How many accidents have you had in your career?”
The player responded, “None for sure. I’ve had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they weren’t accidents. The opponents did it on purpose.”
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A group of engineers and computer scientists from the same university are attending a conference in the next town. They decide to take the train.
The engineers buy one ticket each. The computer scientists scratch their heads, pool their cash, and buy a single ticket.
The engineers think this is strange but watching computer scientists get in trouble should be fun.
The conductor comes around to get the tickets, and all the computer scientists disappear into the bathroom.
The conductor knocks on the bathroom door and says, “Ticket please.”
They slide the ticket under the door, pool their savings, have a few drinks and arrive at the conference in good form.
On the way home, the engineers buy a single ticket. The computer scientists pool their money and buy all the tickets except one. The engineers scratch their heads, but decide not to worry about it and head to the bar.
The conductor comes around, and the engineers pile into the bathroom.
The computer scientist without a ticket promptly walks over to the bathroom, knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat when she died she broke the stairway to heaven.
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What did 49er Linebacker always have stuck in his teeth?
Quarterbacks.
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You’re so fat the only thing to compare you to is an elephant.
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You so dumb you don’t run on singletrack because you’re married.
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What is more exciting than baseball?
Acidball.
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A parent gave her kid some sound advice before going to accounting school:
Study hard, so you can be audit you can be.
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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.
It’s now called Red Bull.
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