What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
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I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
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Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter.
I like to play Muffin Roulette.
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Call me a dentist, because you are too sweet.
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What did the chef say to his staff on Labor Day?
“Let’s take a break and cook up some fun!”
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When it gets to January, I’m going to overthrow the Government!
It’ll be my New Year’s Revolution.
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Why did the circus lion eat the tightrope walker?
He wanted a well-balanced meal.
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What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?
“You are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!”
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Why was the bearded man appointed as the sheriff in the town?
He had a gunslinger beard!
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I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.
I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.
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What sound does a turkey’s phone make?
“Wing, wing.”
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Is it proper to eat donuts with your fingers?
No, fingers should be eaten separately!
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Why did the bodybuilder read the dictionary?
He was trying to learn how to define muscle.
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After a month of dieting, I lost 30 days.
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“Hey, are you familiar with Landon?”
“Landon who?”
“Slip, fall then landon DEEZ NUTS!”
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Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.”
The man replies, “And how would you do that?”
The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?”
The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.”
The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?”
The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
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In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?
When it graduates from medical school.
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Your momma’s so short she can bungee-jump off a curb!
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A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”
The barman looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asks the brain.
“You’re already out of your head.”
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Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
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