In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was surprised to see his happy demeanor.
Doctor: “What is the secret of your good health?”
Old man: “I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling. And then come back and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health.”
Doctor: “Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died?”
Old man: “My father died! Who told you that he died?!”
Doctor (surprised): “You mean that you are 80 years old, and your father is still alive? So how old is he now?”
Old man: “He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine.”
Doctor: “This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family’s genes. So, how old was your grandfather when he died?”
Old man: “My grandfather died! Who told you that he died?!”
Doctor (puzzled): “You mean that you are 80 years old, and your grandfather is still alive very much! What is his age?”
Old man: “Yes, he is 123 years old.”
Doctor: “I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too?”
Old man: “No, Grandpa could not go this morning, because he is getting married today.”
Doctor (on the verge of going mad): “Why would he want to get married at the age of 123?”
Old man: “Who said he wanted to get married? He had to be forced.”
Doctor (shouted): “But why?!”
Old man: “The Girl is pregnant, that’s why.”
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since. The clinic is closed.
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Can February march?
No, but April may.
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Spider-Man 1: “Homecoming”
Spider-Man 2: “Far from Home”
Spider-Man 3: “Homeless”
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My father asked me how my last hike went.
I told him, “It had its ups and downs.”
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How do Gen Z’er’s count their accomplishments?
In “likes” and “followers”.
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Let me be frank, I love the summer.
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What do you call a camel with no hump on a Wednesday?
Humph-rey.
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Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning.
Because I can’t get out of bed.
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Vegan: “People who sell meat are gross!”
Non-vegetarian: “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
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If a cowboy rides into town on Friday and three days later, leaves on Friday, how does he do it?
The horse’s name is Friday!
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What is a boxer’s favorite drink?
Punch.
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What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?
A barberqueue!
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A boy calls 911.
“911, what is your emergency?”
The boy replied, “My parents are fighting, and I’m scared..”
“Well, who’s your father?”
“Well, that’s what they’re fighting about.”
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I hate early mornings, but I love waking you up.
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Doctor: “I’m sorry to say you’ve got lung cancer.”
Patient (tearing up): “Oh god, no!”
Doctor: “Sorry to say it because it’s not true, lol April Fool!”
Patient (angry): “What the hell?!”
Doctor: “Yeah, pranked you, the cancer’s in your pancreas.”
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So one day, grandma sent her grandson Little Johnny down to the waterhole to get some water for cooking dinner.
As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it back to grandma’s kitchen.
“Well now, where’s my bucket, and where’s my water?” grandma asked him.
“I can’t get any water from that waterhole, grandma,” exclaimed Johnny. “There’s a BIG ol’ alligator down there!”
“Now don’t you mind that ol’ alligator, Johnny. He’s been there for a few years now, and he’s never hurt anyone. Why, he’s probably as scared of you as you are of him!”
“Well, grandma,” replied Johnny, “if he’s as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain’t fit to drink!”
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A man called the hotel manager.
He said, “Come up quickly, I fought with my wife, and now she wants to throw herself out the window!”
The manager replied, “Sir, this is a personal matter, and we can’t get involved. I can call sec…”
The man interrupted, “No! This is a maintenance issue. The window won’t open!”
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Why was Darth Vader bad at sports?
He always choked.
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Mom: “You keep dropping popcorn.”
Me: “Sorry, butter fingers.”
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