I almost called 911 when an armed man came into my restaurant.
But he assured me he didn’t want any beef.
😄 😄 😄
Why do one-legged people like beer?
Because it’s made with hops.
😄 😄 😄
Two engineering students were crossing campus when one asked the other, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The second engineer nodded approvingly, “Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit you.”
😄 😄 😄
What is an Indian’s favorite place to be?
Indiana.
😄 😄 😄
A stairway builder was retiring.
On his last workday the manager held a speech for him in the lunchroom.
“This man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of each other and reach heaven!”
The retiring builder, a bit red from embaresment, responded quietly, “Oh, thank you for your kind words, but I have mostly been building basement stairs...”
😄 😄 😄
You so dumb you don’t run on singletrack because you’re married.
😄 😄 😄
How does the solar system keep its pants from falling down?
It uses an asteroid belt.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what happens to a frog’s car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away.
😄 😄 😄
I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet.
After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff.
But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.
😄 😄 😄
What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?
Stuffing.
😄 😄 😄
What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?
The family dog’s nose.
😄 😄 😄
I’m halfway through becoming a stand-up comedian. I can stand up, now all I need is comedy.
😄 😄 😄
What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer?
The space bar.
😄 😄 😄
How did the strawberry donut feel after dinner?
Jam-packed!
😄 😄 😄
A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes, “I have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane,” he explained, “and although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort.”
Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane.
“How come you changed your theory?” he asked.
“Oh, I didn’t change my theory, it’s just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb.”
😄 😄 😄
I don’t need a telescope to see Uranus.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of bread?
Gas-tly sourdough.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Figs.”
“Figs, who?”
“Figs the doorbell, it’s not working lazy bones!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the knee specialist turn into a priest?
He wanted to have a mea-knee-ingful life.
😄 😄 😄
I had a nightmare last night that my TikTok account was deleted.
It was scary because I thought I had a TikTok account for a second.
😄 😄 😄
