What did Jupiter say to Neptune?
“Hey! I can see Uranus from here!”
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Why is Twisted Fate an illegal immigrant?
Because he doesn’t have a green card.
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got tired of the HOLE business.
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What do you call a parrot when he can’t fly?
A walkie talkie.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Warren.”
“Warren, who?”
“Warren anything green for St. Patrick’s Day?”
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One Sunny afternoon, two blondes walk down the street.
One of them suddenly points at the sun and says: “Look! That’s the moon over there!”
The other one says: “No, that’s the sun!”
The first one: “No, it’s the moon!”
The other one, again: “No, it’s the sun!”
After arguing for a while, the “smart” one says: “Let’s go to that house over there and ask, what’s right!”
They go to the house and ring the doorbell. Another blonde opens the door.
The “smart” one asks: “Excuse us, can you tell us, whether it’s the sun or the moon in the sky?”
The blonde looks and says: “I wouldn’t know! I’ve only been living here for two weeks!”
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It’s so hot that my popcorn seeds start popping.
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What’s the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night?
Beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep.
Horror night is...
When your teddy bear hugs you BACK.
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How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?
Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
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I met an amazing man at a party on Saturday. Wonderful listener, great looking...
I gave him my number and winked at him to call me when he gets home. It’s been 4 days, I’m really starting to worry the poor guy is homeless.
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What do you call pandas on April 1st?
Bamboo-zler!
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The insects that smell the best are deodor-ants.
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Why don’t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?
Because they can’t find the number eleven on their phone.
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It was so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
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I tried to organize my life like Pinterest.
But it ended up looking more like a messy DIY project.
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Your forehead is so big that the teachers use it as a whiteboard.
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Pessimists are like German vegetarians.
They fear the wurst.
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What’s the hardest part of the roofing business?
The overhead.
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Johnny tried to buy a toy car with Monopoly money at the store.
The cashier said, “There’s no way I can take this. It’s fake.”
Johnny said, “Well, the car’s not real either.”
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It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa.
The university responsed, “Why do we need another phone company?”
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