The Egyptians claim there are no crocodiles in their country.
I think they are in de Nile.
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Three archaeologists met in a seminar.
The British said, “We dug very deep and found sculpted animal bones. This proves that my ancestors invented art.”
The German said, “We dug very deep and found a plate-size disk showing the solar system. This proves that my ancestors invented astronomy.”
The Italian said, “We dug very deep and didn’t find any wires. This proves that my ancestors invented Wi-Fi communication.”
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A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whiskey and drinks it all.
Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whiskey.
Drunk, he orders a glass of whiskey.
Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whiskey.
Then he says, “That’s weird. The less I drink, the drunker I get.”
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Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Café?
Chocolate Moose.
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An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn’t wearing his watch.
A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree.
The American approaches the Mexican and asks, “Excuse me, do you know what time is?”
The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, “4:30.”
The American asks, “How do you know that?”
The Mexican replies, “Well you get a handful of the donkey’s balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street.”
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National Pride Day should be September 21.
September 22 is the first day of Autumn, and as everyone knows, pride goes before a fall.
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You know, if the moon landing was faked, NASA owes us a huge Apollo-gy!
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Did you hear about the aristocratic horse?
He was the last of his race!
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A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.
“If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”, he asked her.
The secretary replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
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When should you wear flip-flop sandals?
On a Toesday.
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Your forehead is so big your entire face is on your chin.
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How does a robot eat its guacamole?
With micro-chips.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don’t know what else he wants to see.
😄 😄 😄
I almost called 911 when an armed man came into my restaurant.
But he assured me he didn’t want any beef.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so ugly when you sit in the sand, the cats try to bury you.
😄 😄 😄
My red panda went on a shopping spree and ended up with a paw-ful of amazing deals.
😄 😄 😄
Having regained consciousness after a car accident, the doctor is trying to convince me that I am actually a Swedish guy and I have lost my memory.
Does he think I was Bjorn yesterday?
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Oreo cookie go to the dentist?
Because he lost his filling.
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What do you call a cow with three legs?
Tri-tip.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Your mom!
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I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today.
The box said “WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken”.
I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box...
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