Where should a 500-pound alien go?
On a diet.
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Friedrich Nietzsche Dies.
As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.
He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.
Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, “I’m God, looks like you were wrong about me.”
Nietzsche replies, “Not at all. If you’re up here in heaven, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!”
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of feminine product, and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.”
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How do alcoholics spend their long weekend off work?
By giving their liver a workout.
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What happened when the red boat crashed into the blue boat?
The crews were marooned.
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My grandpa grew up during the depression, as a result, he never threw anything away.
He died in the war, holding a hand grenade.
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Yo moma so lazy she sticks her nose out the door and let the air blow it.
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What did Uranus say to its moon?
“You have the right to remain in orbit, anything you say will be taken out of context!”
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Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.
The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.
The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.
“Is this horse unsound?” they asked.
“Not a bit,” said the owner.
“In that case,” asked the stewards, “why have you never raced him before?” “Mister,” said the man from Idaho, “we couldn’t even catch the critter until he was five years old.”
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What happens when developers ask a silly question?
They get a silly ANSI.
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A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?”
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
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What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist?
Bond. Gold Bond.
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Two corns in a field were telling each other corny jokes.
They were the laughing stalk of the field.
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I used to own a raven. It could speak English.
But the only word it could speak was “car”.
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What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?
A flamingstop.
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A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, “Why have you got a fried egg on your head?”
The man replies, “Because boiled eggs fall off.”
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What do you call a fat pineapple?
A pineapple chunk.
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I played an April Fools’ joke on my parkour team this morning.
They all fell for it.
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A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.
The boss felt sorry for him and didn’t want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.
He said to the worker, “Why don’t you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?”
The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.
“Sir,” he whispers, his throat feeling worse, “Please slow down, there’s a road crew up ahead.”
“Okay,” the driver whispers back, “I’ll try not to wake them.”
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Good morning!
Remember, it’s better to arrive late in this office than to arrive ugly!
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