Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Water.”
“Water, who?”
“Water you waiting for... Let’s get out the ice cream!”
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Why should you never date a veteran comic artist?
They make it their business to create a lot of issues.
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What do you call playing Fortnite during the day?
Daycare.
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What’s a sad shade of blue?
Bereaved.
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On which side does a tiger have the most stripes?
The outside.
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It is hotter than a bake sale on the Fourth of July.
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The kid next door challenged me to a water balloon fight.
I’m just going to update my Facebook status while waiting for the kettle to boil.
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Two Roofers—Bob and Dan—were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.
Bob and Dan decided that, since it was early, they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.
It was nearing 5 PM, and they hadn’t seen hide nor hair of anyone.
So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down. On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.
Bob says, “It’s the only way down. I will go first.”
Bob jumped.
Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, “Hey Bob! How deep did you go?”
Bob yells back, “I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!”
Dan jumps... and sinks clear up to his neck in manure!
“I thought when you jumped, you went up to your ankles?” he shouts at his friend.
“I did...” explained Bob, “but I landed head first!”
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What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?
He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”
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I am sweating like an ice cream cone under a heat lamp.
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Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together:
Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on.
In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
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What do you call 10 Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?
A problem.
What do you call 100 Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?
A problem.
What do you call 1000 Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?
Still a problem.
What do you call all of the Dallas Cowboys fans on the moon?
PROBLEM SOLVED!
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What do you call a lady who enjoys mushrooms?
A fun-gal.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl be glad to meet you if you let me in.”
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My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
I’m feeling canneloni right now.
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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.
She asks him: “Little Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?”
He: “Like the moon.”
The teacher: “That’s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful”.
Little Johnny: “No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.”
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It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
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Dear Math,
I am sick and tired of finding your “x”. Just accept the fact that she’s gone. Move on dude.
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The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk.”
The wasted wino asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Obviously relieved, the wino said, “That’s a relief—I thought I was a cripple.”
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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?
Somebody dropped a shekel!
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