Yo momma so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her.
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What did one German man say to the other German man?
I have no idea, I can’t speak German.
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WARNING IF YOU HAVE SEEN A LINK ON THE INTERNET OFFERING FREE DONUTS, DO NOT CLICK ON IT!
IT IS A VIRUS THAT FORCES CAPS LOCK TO BE PERMANENTLY ACTIVATED ON YOUR COMPUTER.
THE POLICE
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa, who?”
“Santa Christmas card to you. Did you get it?”
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Guess what’s ‘tiiiimmeeeee ABDE’?
...yes, it is long time no see.
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A mummy calls a restaurant.
“Hello, I’d like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.”
“Could you spell it out, please?” said the voice from the restaurant.
“Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal’s head, and a scarab.”
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Adam meets a witch.
The witch tells him: “Tell me I am pretty, or you will be cursed!”
Adam: “Sorry, but I don’t find you attractive.”
Witch: “Take that back, or you most surely will be cursed!
Adam: “Nope. You’re hideous.”
The witch then transformed him into an ant.
Witch: “Look where your rudeness brought you!”
Adam: “Yeah, this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato.”
Witch: “Very well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!”
He is still adamant.
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I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses, but I don’t think she likes them.
She said that’s gross.
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Sorry, I would’ve texted sooner but my phone just overheated.
I guess you’re just too hot for Tinder.
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What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
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Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?
Inflation.
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What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
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Two friends were discussing what they wanted to do with their lives.
One of them suggested data science.
“I’d much rather date a person, thank you,” said another.
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The pope dies and arrives in Heaven. St. Peter awaits him and asks who he is.
The pope: “I am the pope.”
St. Peter: “Who? There’s no such name in my book.”
The pope: “I’m the representative of God on Earth.”
St. Peter: “Does God have a representative? He didn’t tell me.”
The pope: “But I am the leader of the Catholic church.”
St. Peter: “The Catholic church... Never heard of it. Wait, I’ll check with the boss.”
St. Peter walks away through Heaven’s Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: “There’s a dude standing outside who claims he’s your representative on earth.”
God: “I don’t have a representative on earth, not that I know of. Wait, I’ll ask Jesus.”
God yells for Jesus.
Jesus: “Yes father, what’s up?”
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: “Wait, I’ll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow.”
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he’s laughing.
Jesus: “Remember that fishing club I’ve started 2000 years ago? It still exists!”
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What do you call a 60-year-old who hasn’t reached puberty?
A late boomer.
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So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.
He’s laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.
Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.
“Who are you?” the guy asks.
“I’m your hip replacement.”
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Six years ago, I DMed my facebook crush, telling her that I am going to take her out on a date. Today, I asked her to marry me.
She said no both times and blocked me.
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Where should a 500-pound alien go?
On a diet.
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Friedrich Nietzsche Dies.
As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.
He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.
Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, “I’m God, looks like you were wrong about me.”
Nietzsche replies, “Not at all. If you’re up here in heaven, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!”
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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of feminine product, and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?”
“Eight,” the boy replied.
The man continued, “Do you know what these are used for?”
The boy replied, “Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do either.”
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