An astronaut is the first to step onto an alien planet.
The aliens are so excited that they change all their signs to English, and even rename some of their places and landmarks after Human places and landmarks and things.
The astronaut decides the first place he wants to go is a pub.
He sees a nearby alien and asks, “Where’s the pub?”
The alien gurgles back, but his suit translates to the astronaut in real time. The alien says, “Just around the corner.”
The astronaut heads around the corner and sees it.
It’s labeled “The Keyboard” and he asks the bouncer, “Why is it called the Keyboard?”
The bouncer replies, “The boss loves all things human and changed his name to reflect that. Ask him, he’s the bartender.”
So the astronaut enters the Keyboard and goes to the bartender.
“Excuse me, do you own this pub?” the astronaut says.
“I do,” the bartender gurgles back.
“Why is it called the Keyboard?” the man asks.
“Well,” the alien gurgles in reply, “since I knew you humans were coming I updated the name...”
The astronaut is on the edge of his seat.
“...The reason it’s called the Keyboard is because it’s a space bar.”
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What did the grouchy moon say?
Just get outer my space!
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I named my hard drive Dat Ass, so once a month my computer asks if I want to back Dat Ass up.
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An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken.
He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card.
So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke, “Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!”
The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back once again with the smoke, “OK, chief, but why so much?”
At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky.
The tribe signals, “OK, OK, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?”
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A man pays a visit to an old father and meets his three daughters.
He’s staying the night, and each of the girls approaches him to offer their hospitality in turn.
The first informs him her name is June because she was born in the month of June. She is an expert at fortune-telling and provides him with predictions for the future.
The second informs him that her given name is August because she was born in August. She is a doctor and performs a full physical on him.
The third informs him that her name is Maple because she was born in a nearby town. She informs him of a massive treasure hidden beneath the family stables.
After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house, covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple’s deception.
The wise man replies, “Oh, you must have met April. April fools.”
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Your breath stinks!
Get up and brush your teeth!
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My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
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What do an insurance policy and a woman have in common?
They are both expensive, difficult to understand, and what you get is not guaranteed.
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How many people can you fit in one Honda?
Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.
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Why should you always be kind to registered nurses?
Remember that they choose your catheter size.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ken.”
“Ken, who?”
“Ken you please loan me some money?”
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A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES.
The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read MAIN ENTRANCE.
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Went to a party on the moon once.
Didn’t really like it, no atmosphere.
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Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
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What room has no doors, walls, or floor?
A mushroom.
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Where does Vin go after eating a really hot curry?
Da loo.
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Chuck Norris once taught a French Bulldog to be English.
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Why are beards so polite?
Because they’re well-groomed.
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Why did the moon get a parking ticket?
They forgot to pay the parking meteor!
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The taller you are, the harder you’ll fall.
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