What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone.
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Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
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What’s the difference between men and pigs?
Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
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What happened to the fungi who moved into a New York apartment?
He didn’t have mush-room.
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A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.
Upon reaching it, one of the first things he did was go into a department store.
He found his way to the menswear department, where a young lady offered to help him.
“Quiero calcetines (I want socks),” said the man.
“I don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,” said the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero trajes, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want suits, I want socks),” said the man.
“Well, these shirts are on sale this week,” declared the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero camisas, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want shirts, I want socks),” repeated the man.
“I still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,” offered the salesgirl.
“No, no quiero pantalones, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want pants, I want socks),” insisted the man.
As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair.
Holding them up, he proclaimed, “Eso sí que es (Now that’s it)!”
“Then why didn’t you just spell it in the first place?!” yelled the salesgirl.
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Last, I declare you the weiner of the food contest.
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What did the barber say to the man after shaving his beard?
“All good things must comb to an end.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Uriah.”
“Uriah, who?”
“Keep Uriah on the birthday cake, it’s about to be lit!”
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Dear Father,
university i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
After receiving his son’s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear David,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
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What happened when the pig pen broke?
They had to use the pig pencil.
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I bent down in a bar.
“Excuse me,” said the girl next to me, “Are you looking up my skirt?”
I said, “No, no I’m tying my shoelace.”
She said, “You’re wearing Crocs.”
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Harry Potter needs 8 movies to seek and destroy Voldemort.
Chuck Norris needs 4 seconds.
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Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
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What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
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If you get kissed by an alpaca, it’s not the end of the world.
It’s the alpaca-lips.
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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”
The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Didn't you get my E-mail?”
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What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
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What is a myth?
A female moth.
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A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.
She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,” and she pushes him back onto the seat.
A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again.
She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.
Finally, the man says, “Look, lady, you’ve got to let me get up. I’m two miles past my stop already.”
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Why does the North Korean navy have glass-bottom boats?
So they can see their air force.
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