Math teacher: “James, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?”
James: “A Headache ma’am.”
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Coach: “Your roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!”
Football Player: “Coach, It is just not true!”
Coach: “What is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!”
Football player: “Coach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!”
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Teacher: “Take a seat”.
Student: “Where do you want me to take it to?”
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It was the first day of school.
Harry’s mother went into his bedroom and said, “Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.”
“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry, “I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?”
“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”
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Why are German hot dogs the most controversial?
It’s because they make the best and the wurst ones.
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You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, which is kinda the same thing.
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You call it short, but I call it down-to-earth.
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What do bees use to build roads?
Nec-tar.
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Yo daddy so fat when God said “let there be light”, he asked him to move out of the way.
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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
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What do you call a computer covered in fruit chunks?
A pineApple Mac.
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Me: “I have a Zoom meeting later.”
My cat: “Oh, me too.”
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Yo mama’s so fat that she looks like Jabba the Hut before picture.
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him, “I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees, “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question.
The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says, “Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”
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I ordered that new auto part for you.
It’s Honda way.
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What does the sun drink out of?
Sun-glasses.
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Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.
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Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf?
“Mensch on a bench”.
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You’re so scary that even your hairline ran a way.
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Yo mama’s so fat when she fell I didn’t laugh, but the sidewalk cracked up.
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