What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
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Yo mama so ugly Forever Alone Guy denied her friend request.
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On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.
So when he got home from school, I said to him, “Steve, do you mind sitting down, I’ve got something to tell you.”
“Dad, guess what?!” he shouted excitedly.
“Steve, this is important.” I urged.
“No way, Dad. Listen!”
“Steve. Please. Don’t make this hard for me. It’s about your mum and me.”
“Dad! Shut up! I’ve just won £250,000 on a scratch card!”
“That’s amazing son! Your old Dad’s really made up for you!”
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What does a one-legged man call karate?
Partial Arts.
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I met a girl on Tinder and we were going to go to the gym on our first date, but she stood me up.
I suppose we aren’t gonna work out.
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What word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?
Incorrectly.
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Why did the electrician stay home on Labor Day?
He needed to recharge his batteries.
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Doctor: “Who’s my next patient?”
Nurse: “Mr. Ghost.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see right now.”
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Why did the Pilgrim kill the turkey?
Because he was in a fowl mood.
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No thanks, pants! I am working from home today.
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Why did the cowboy take hay to bed?
To feed his nightmares.
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Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
It was melondramatic.
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It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
Hope it’s Halloween...
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Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Café?
Chocolate Moose.
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You’re so short that you had to use a toothpick to compete in the javelin.
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What’s the difference between a fire wizard and someone who flirts with pastries?
One is a Pyromancer, the other is a pie-romancer.
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My girlfriend left me once I stopped taking her to seafood restaurants.
Turns out she was only with me for my mussels.
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Harry Styles’ birthday is coming up.
And I’m so Styles-ed for it.
😄 😄 😄
Where do lobsters go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
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