What do you call a line of people gathered to roast Justin Bieber?
Bieberqueue.
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Unpaid interns are like slaves.
No pay, they just get experience in the field.
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A lot of airport workers treat workplace sanitation very seriously.
Otherwise, people could catch terminal illnesses.
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Doctor: “How’s the flu medicine going for you? I know it’s a little bitter.”
Patient: “No, the medicine’s fine, can’t even taste anything when I take it.”
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Yo mama so stupid she tried to save a fish from drowning.
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
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I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.
He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.
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I’ve just bought a new pair of spider silk trousers.
They look great, but the flies keep getting stuck.
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Why is the sun such an egomaniac?
He believes that everything revolves around him.
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What’s the difference between science and religion?
Science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings.
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Why does the Easter Bunny drink beer?
He loves the hops.
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Why wasn’t the taxidermist invited to Thanksgiving dinner?
No one wanted to try his stuffing.
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A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched.”
“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story, “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.”
“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”
“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
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How do you make an Elf on the Shelf fast?
You don’t feed her.
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A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims, “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha!”
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What does Spider-Man use when he wants to be stealthy?
The Dark Web.
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What is a camel’s favorite day of the week?
Hump day!
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Teacher: “If your father has $10, and you
asked for $5, how much will your father
have?”
Akpos: “$10.”
Teacher: “You don’t know maths.”
Akpos: “You don’t know my father!”
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I met this dude once who was really into mushrooms.
He was a real fun-gi.
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Chuck Norris can operate a coal grill underwater.
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