When 911 has an emergency, it calls Chuck Norris.
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Working from home. Day 6.
Client: “No! This is unacceptable. I want to speak to one of your superiors.”
Me: “Moooom!”
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What do vegetarians say when they meet someone new?
Nice to vegetable you.
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Good morning, world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.
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Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
“Yep, she got the house.”
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What do you call a lazy man in space?
A procrastronaut.
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A warrior comes home very drunk from the pub with a duck under his arm.
His wife answers the door, “What’s this?” The warrior replies, “This is the dragon I’ve been shaggin.”
The angry wife shouts, “That is not a dragon, that is a duck!”
The warrior looks at her and says, “I was talking to the duck!”
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I bought my wife 12 dozen red roses, but I don’t think she likes them.
She said that’s gross.
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Someone keeps sending me sunflowers with the heads cut off.
Think I have a stalker.
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Why do fat people cause earthquakes?
Because they’re always moving plates.
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Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom?
He was sick of all its shii-take.
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What do you say when it’s the end of the month?
Oct-over.
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I just got fired from my new job at the pharmacy.
Apparently “drug free workplace” and “free drug workplace” are not the same thing at all.
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The boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but yesterday, this conversation happened.
Boss: “Abdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?”
Abdul: “Sir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.”
Today is Abdul’s farewell party.
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Yo mama so poor when she found a penny she thought she had hit the lottery.
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Why did the bluebird get kicked out of the forest?
Because it was a bird of pray.
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What did the snowman say to the birthday girl?
Have an ice day!
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If anyone has no family and will be alone on Thanksgiving, please let me know.
I really need to borrow some chairs from you.
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How do you make a skeleton laugh?
Tickle their funny bones.
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How is bacon like southern Europe?
It’s got a lot of Greece in it.
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