How do you make a skeleton laugh?
Tickle their funny bones.
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How is bacon like southern Europe?
It’s got a lot of Greece in it.
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Arnold Schwarzenegger no longer kills people and now only kills bugs.
He’s an exterminator.
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Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders, and then exchanged sandwiches.
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What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?
A watermelon.
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Do you like Mexican food? Because I want to wrap you in my arms and make you my BAE-rito.
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What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
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Why hasn’t anyone ever seen ghost poop?
Because it’s invisible.
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What did the Rams fan do when his team won the Super Bowl?
He turned off his XBox.
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It’s so hot out that I walked through a car wash to remember what rain felt like.
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Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?
A “B”.
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There is a beaver in our local zoo who is quite the celebrity. His name is Clint.
Clint EatsWood.
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How do you keep a violin from being stolen?
Put it in a viola case.
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Once there was a bartender who claimed he was the strongest man on earth, he could squeeze every drop of juice out of a lemon and he bet $10,000 that no one could squeeze anymore out of a lemon he has squeezed.
People came in from all over the country: bodybuilders, weightlifters, wrestlers, or anyone who wanted to try. But no one could squeeze anymore juice out of the lemons.
Then one day a little nerdy looking guy walks in and everyone laughs at him when they hear he is there to try to squeeze a lemon.
So the bartender squeezes a lemon into a cup and hands him what is left over.
Then the guy squeezes out 6 more drops of juice, and everyone is amazed!
“What do you do for a living?” they would ask, “Are you a weight lifter, a bodybuilder?”
“No,” he replied, “I work for the IRS.”
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A soapbox orator addresses a crowd on the glories of communism, “Come the revolution, everyone will eat strawberries and cream!”
A man at the front whimpers, “But I don’t like strawberries and cream...”
The speaker thunders, “Come the revolution, you will like strawberries and cream!”
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What do you call an intelligent blonde?
A golden retriever!
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Are you trying to moon-ipulate me?
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Why did the volleyball player bring an extra pair of shoelaces?
Because she wanted to tie the score.
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Why can’t people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long?
They can’t handle stares.
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My Millennial son called me for the first time in a year and a half.
I changed the Netflix password.
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