What do you call a dumb carnivore?
A meathead.
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You must secretly be a nuclear technician because you’re both radiant and glowing!
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What happened to the fungi who moved into a New York apartment?
He didn’t have mush-room.
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Why is chess just like real life?
The king can only take a step at a time and the queen can do as she pleases.
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Why are two blonde girls fighting on a motorcycle?
They are fighting because they both want to sit next to the window.
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Why should you never race a Muslim during Ramadan?
They fast during Ramadan.
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What does the gym instructor say after having loads of desserts?
“I donut care anymore.”
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What is the perfect profession for narcissists?
Architect. Because they’ll forever be making entrances and drawing stairs.
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If you were a food what would you be?
Friend 1: “Pizza because I’m so cheesy.”
Friend 2: “Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends.”
Me: “Donut because I’m so empty inside.”
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What is the difference between a piano, a tuna and a glue?
You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
And you probably wondering what about the glue...
I knew you would get stuck on that.
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If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic.
If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
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Black people are really fast...
It’s a race thing.
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Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk?
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t read books.
He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, “Do you smoke or drink coffee?”
I told him I drink it.
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An art dealer and a painter are having a conversation.
Art dealer: “I have good news and bad news. Good news is, a person came up to me this afternoon to ask about the value of your art. When I told him that it would increase in value after your death, he immediately bought ALL of them.”
Painter: “Wow! What’s the bad news?”
Art dealer: “He was your doctor.”
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What did one vegetarian say to the other vegetarian?
We have to stop meating like this.
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What sickness did the minion get while travelling?
Yellow fever.
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What type of tomato smells best?
A Roma.
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In honor of Area 51, what do you call too many aliens in one place?
Extra terrestrials.
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