What is a prankster’s favorite toy?
Silly String.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between science and religion?
Science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings.
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I told my friend that I’m exploring Uranus.
They asked if I was becoming an astronaut or a proctologist.
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Employee: “Can I have a day off next week to visit my mother-in-law?”
Boss: “Certainly not.”
Employee: “Thank you so much! I knew you would be understanding.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Honda.”
“Honda, who?”
“Honda first day of Christmas my true love sent to me…”
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The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.
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A man ordered for a voice-automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.
He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.
One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.
The man agreed and said to the car, “Car, go and bring my children from school.”
The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.
Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.
He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.
As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.
The car parked right in front of them and said, “These are your children, sir.”
In the car were their landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress’s two sons, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, their pastor’s son, and their neighbor’s two sons.
The wife said angrily, “I demand to know if these are all your children?!”
The man asked her calmly, “Just as soon as you tell me why our children aren’t in the car.”
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Why did the man who couldn’t grow a beard tape a rabbit to his face?
Then he would get the facial hare he always wanted.
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What would you call Santa if you found him at the South Pole?
A lost clause.
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Today I asked my daughter for a phone book.
She said, “You’re such a boomer,” and handed me her phone.
So, now, the spiders are dead, my daughter’s phone is broken and she’s really mad at me.
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My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and that I’m paid to travel.
My dates never seem too happy when I tell them I’m a bus driver.
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You know what they say about Anti Jokes?
She’s married to Uncle Jokes.
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First cannibal: “I can’t find anything to eat!”
Second cannibal: “But the jungle’s full of people.”
First cannibal: “Yes, but they’re all very unsavory.”
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Did you know that during childbirth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment
she almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu.
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Why didn’t SpongeBob hear the doorbell when he was reading his magazine?
Because he was too absorbed in his reading.
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Did you hear about the comedy show on Uranus?
It was a real gas, but not everyone understood the humor.
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A man taunted Chuck Norris by holding a bag of potato chips in front of him and saying, “Betcha can’t just one!”
Chuck Norris subsequently ate the chips, the bag, and the man whole.
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There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America.
If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?
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When 911 has an emergency, it calls Chuck Norris.
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Working from home. Day 6.
Client: “No! This is unacceptable. I want to speak to one of your superiors.”
Me: “Moooom!”
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