Personally, I’m fed up with LOL, ROFL, and LMAO.
I say we ban all acronyms in the U.S.A.
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How do retired sailors greet each other?
Long time no sea.
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Two kids are camping in their backyard, it’s gotten pretty late and neither of them have watches.
“What time do you think it is?” One of them asks the other.
“Just make a ton of noise,” says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyways.
After a few seconds of screaming a light turns on in another yard and a neighbour yells, “YOU CRAZY KIDS, IT’S 2 IN THE MORNING!!”
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A Sioux woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
“I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want any painkillers because I’m in a big hurry,” the Sioux woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”
The dentist was quite impressed, “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”
The Sioux woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”
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I just bought a thesaurus and when I got it home, all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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A Wolfswagon Rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
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Is there a spirit in this room?
Wake up and answer me.
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I became ill after taking self-defense classes.
I think I caught Kung Flu.
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A newborn pony walks into a pharmacy.
He asks the pharmacist, “Do you have any Cepacol lozenges? I’m a little hoarse.”
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Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor?
Rabbit De Niro.
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“Hey there buddy, I have a bunch of old albums, would you like 2 CD’s...?
“Sure thanks!”
“...to see DEEZ NUTZ!”
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I haven’t spoken a word to my wife in years.
She hates to be interrupted.
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Yo momma’s so fat Yoda couldn’t use the Force to move her.
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
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Why is math said to be a codependent?
It relies on others to solve its problems.
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Autos killing 110 a day, let’s resolve to do better.
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What’s a sad shade of blue?
Bereaved.
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What did the linguistics professor fail Geometry?
He was really bad a translating!
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We’re trying to come up with a plan to get my escaped helium balloon back. We’ve got some ideas.
But it’s still up in the air.
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A small Irish man escaped from prison today.
He’s a leprechaun-vict.
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