Daisy: “Why do you have two different colored socks on? One’s blue, but the other is green.”
Little Johnny: “I’m not sure. It’s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.”
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What US state is round on the sides but tall in the center?
Ohio.
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What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios?
“Wow! Donut seeds!”
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How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
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I used to confuse Star Wars with Star Trek.
It was a Wookie mistake.
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Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
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Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
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Yo daddy so ugly yo momma first saw him at the zoo.
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What music does the Easter Bunny listen to while hiding eggs?
Hip hop.
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You got the whole world in your nose. How lucky are you.
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Did you know, some fleas spend their lives jumping for the moon?
Lunar-tics.
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Once a boy was killing mosquitoes.
The girl asked him, “How many mosquitoes have you killed?”
He replied, “3 female and 2 male.”
She asked, “How did you know that they were male or female?”
He replied, “3 were sitting in front of the mirror and the 2 were sitting on the treadmill.”
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Chuck Norris has a polar bear rug on his floor.
It’s actually a live bear but it’s too scared to move.
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Having your own child is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.
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From the death notice of a local newspaper:
After a very hard and painful life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace.
The funeral of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.
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Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.
The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play—you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”
“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”
Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.
“FATHER!” he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”
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What kind of exercise do sloths do?
Waitlifting.
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What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
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What’s worse than getting a job at McDonald’s?
Not getting the job at McDonald’s.
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Why did the planet Uranus join a band?
It wanted to planet self in rhythm.
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