A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”
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Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.
Eventually, his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”
The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”
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A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.
The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock.
About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her he’s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.
“What?! I dunno buddy, call the damn Coast Guard!” and he slams the phone down.
He goes to the living room and resumes reading the newspaper.
His wife looks over at him nervously and asks what the call was about, and the husband replies “Pfft, some moron calling to ask if the coast is clear.”
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You’re so ugly...
You are the reason Star Wars takes place in a galaxy far far away!
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Yo mama’s so stupid Kylo Ren couldn’t force read her mind!
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What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot dog bun?
Frank.
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Why are two medians in a single data set funny?
Because it’s a co-median.
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“The neighbors hate us.”
“Why?”
“Well, you remember when we had that bonfire in my yard, and were roasting marshmallows?”
“Yeah, that was really fun.”
“And remember how the house up the road caught fire, and all those fire engines came, and we ran to see what was going on, and the wife was crying in her husband’s arms, and how everyone looked at us funny?”
“Yeah, I remember! I wondered what we’d done...”
“We were still holding our marshmallow sticks...”
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An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
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What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?
A six-foot toothbrush.
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What do cops call it when they’re called out to the local donut bakery?
Bread Alert!
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It’s so hot my dream house in any house in Alaska.
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What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
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I used to have a job collecting leaves.
I was raking it in.
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Yo mama so fat Donald Trump used her as the border wall.
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Why did the ice cream truck break down?
Because of the rocky road.
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Did you hear about the paint catapult that won the competition?
It won with flying colors.
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My kid has a stuffed alpaca toy.
I call it her Dolly Llama.
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A day without ice cream is practically un-cone-stitutional.
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Jeff, a semi colon, and an Oxford Comma walk into a bar.
Both of them have a great time.
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