Why did Dracula become a vegetarian?
Because his doctor said steaks were bad for his heart.
😄 😄 😄
Sometimes I feel like Stephen Hawking in the morning.
Because I can’t get out of bed.
😄 😄 😄
A salad was arrested for public indecency.
I guess it should’ve gotten dressed before leafing.
😄 😄 😄
What does an owl need after taking a bath?
A t-owl.
😄 😄 😄
Why is nostalgia like grammar?
We find the present tense and the past perfect.
😄 😄 😄
Why do people say donuts are made by God?
Because they are hole-y.
😄 😄 😄
In honor of the eve of April Fools’ Day, just remember that tomorrow you need to be cautious of many tweets and news reports because most of them will be lies and simply there to try and trick you. Believe nothing, and trust no one.
Just treat it like it’s any other day.
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Having your own child is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.
😄 😄 😄
Man tries to open a bank account.
Teller asks him, “Your name?”
“J-j-jj-hhh-on S-ss-mm-i-tthh.”
“Oh, you stutter?”
“No, my dad did, but the person, who did by birth certificate, was a complete moron!”
😄 😄 😄
iPhone users, don’t bother sending the Meteor emoji to your Android friends.
It won’t have the same impact.
😄 😄 😄
I didn’t wear my glasses to the party because I wanted to make a spectacle of myself.
😄 😄 😄
My wife complained about my obsession with golf.
I asked her if it was driving a wedge between us.
😄 😄 😄
Why are hockey players like goldfish?
You could tap on the glass and you’d get their attention.
😄 😄 😄
A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.
He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”
“That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man.
“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.”
“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the depressed plumber?
He’s going through a lot of crap right now.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the guy who checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving?
He couldn’t quit cold turkey.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?
The wrong firework.
😄 😄 😄
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”
😄 😄 😄
Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.
Eventually, his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”
The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”
😄 😄 😄
