Your mama is so short she doesn’t roll dice she pushes them.
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What is the definition of overcast?
When Harry Potter messes up a spell.
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My boss told me that work might be a little blue today.
But I didn’t know that meant the copiers were taking the day off.
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Police have arrested a gang of corn flakes that they allege committed a spree of armed robberies throughout the metro area.
A Police spokesman described them as cereal offenders.
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One fine day Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car.
As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.
“Oh no,” Ole protested, “I was only doing tirty, officer.”
“No, you were doing fifty,” replied the cop.
“Really, officer, I was only doing tirty”, Ole replied stubbornly.
“Well,” bellowed the cop, “I clocked you doing FIFTY!”
At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up, “Officer, you really shouldn’t argue with Ole ben he’s been drinking.”
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Yep, that’s one of the reasons why I’m so popular.
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A man walks into the doctor’s office.
A penne stuck in one of his ears, a spaghetti in the other ear, and a tortellini stuck in one nostril.
Man: “Doctor, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
Doctor: “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
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Why did Harry Styles become a detective?
He’s just trying to solve the mystery of his own Styles.
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A lorry carrying LEGO bricks overturned on the motorway.
The police say they don’t know what to make of it.
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Your mama's got a leather wig with suede sideburns.
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What do you say to an angry baked sweet potato?
Anything, just butter him up.
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What do you call a chili with a PhD?
Dr. Pepper.
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What makes nuts healthy?
They have many nut-rients.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Clover.”
“Clover, who?”
“Clover here and I’ll tell you.”
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How many Chelsea managers does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. The light bulb lasts longer than any manager.
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In 1973, my dad left to get ice cream and never came back.
Mom says he’s probably just lost because he hates stopping to ask for directions.
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I was going to buy a pocket calculator.
But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.
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Why did the blood-sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic.
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I was arguing with a construction worker. We were getting bogged down in cementics.
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Why did Dracula become a vegetarian?
Because his doctor said steaks were bad for his heart.
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