I hate it when my blue jeans fade.
They’re not feeling so blue anymore.
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The flu gets a Chuck Norris shot every year.
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My wife suggested I start growing a beard, to which I was against initially against...
But now, I must say, it’s growing on me.
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Why were there only 18 letters in the alphabet?
Because E.T. flew off in a UFO, and the CIA chased after him!
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I roasted a chicken for dinner tonight.
I told it that it was so ugly it could be a turkey and that it laid horrible eggs.
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A gamer dies and goes to hell.
After a week, the devil goes to God, “God! What crazy person have you sent me here? He destroyed all the cauldrons, killed all demons, is running like crazy everywhere and yelling ‘Where is the exit to LEVEL 2?!’.”
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What do you call a red panda dentist?
A molar bear.
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What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?
No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!
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If I had a dollar for every time I’ve used algebra in my life.
I’d have n dollars.
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What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?
“…This is the way.”
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Why did the pineapple stop in the middle of the road?
Because he ran out of juice.
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Baby Yoda’s first word...
Probably came after his second word.
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In Pokémon, I never understood why bug types were supereffective against dark types.
But then I thought about malaria in Africa and it all made sense.
😄 😄 😄
Alcoholics don’t run in my family.
But sometimes they fall down the stairs.
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An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was surprised to see his happy demeanor.
Doctor: “What is the secret of your good health?”
Old man: “I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling. And then come back and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health.”
Doctor: “Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died?”
Old man: “My father died! Who told you that he died?!”
Doctor (surprised): “You mean that you are 80 years old, and your father is still alive? So how old is he now?”
Old man: “He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine.”
Doctor: “This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family’s genes. So, how old was your grandfather when he died?”
Old man: “My grandfather died! Who told you that he died?!”
Doctor (puzzled): “You mean that you are 80 years old, and your grandfather is still alive very much! What is his age?”
Old man: “Yes, he is 123 years old.”
Doctor: “I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too?”
Old man: “No, Grandpa could not go this morning, because he is getting married today.”
Doctor (on the verge of going mad): “Why would he want to get married at the age of 123?”
Old man: “Who said he wanted to get married? He had to be forced.”
Doctor (shouted): “But why?!”
Old man: “The Girl is pregnant, that’s why.”
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since. The clinic is closed.
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It’s always good to find out you’re going to be working from home.
Unless you’re a firefighter.
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Teacher: “I hope I didn’t see you looking at Tim’s exam paper.”
Pupil: “I hope you didn’t see me either!”
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Your mama is so short she doesn’t roll dice she pushes them.
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What is the definition of overcast?
When Harry Potter messes up a spell.
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My boss told me that work might be a little blue today.
But I didn’t know that meant the copiers were taking the day off.
😄 😄 😄
