I go to the gym religiously.
About twice a year, around holidays.
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What three things would you bring if you were stranded on a deserted island?
Irony, the Oxford comma and a missed opportunity.
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Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset.
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What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?
The dentist.
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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s barrel racing there.”
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”
“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”
“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.
“Rose! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.
“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re up here in the slack on Friday.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Jimmy.”
“Jimmy, who?”
“Jimmy so money...”
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I don’t believe in hitting my children as punishment.
So I teach them Fortnite dances and send them to school so that other kids can beat them instead.
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A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains, “Excuse me, Father, I don’t mean to trouble you, but I’m very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers.”
The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he’s speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.
“That is truly a noble calling,” he says. “Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to the priesthood.”
“That sounds like a very involved process,” the donut confesses. “I’m not sure I have the time.”
“If you don’t mind me asking...” replies the priest. “What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you’re not willing to commit to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?”
“Well...” the donut answers. “See, it’s because I’m holey.”
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Which side of a racehorse has more hair?
The outside.
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What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?
Eve.
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What do you call a depressed blue crayon?
Blue-tiful.
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A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.
He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims, “I can’t believe it’s not Buddha!”
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What do you call an alien that lives in a bog?
A marsh-in!
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Spider-Man and Black Widow first met on the web.
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I wonder what the moon’s favorite bagel is?
Probably cinna-moon raisin.
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Why does it take marketers so long to order a pizza?
Because they have to run A/B tests to choose the best toppings.
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I heard about a blue tick hound who was feeling down.
His bark was way worse than his bite.
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Why did the ant hidebehind the tree?
To trip the elephant.
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Why was the math book sad on National Pi Day?
Because it had too many problems.
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How do you know the Fourth of July is an American holiday?
Because everybody says “Stay Safe”.
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