There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. It’s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.
With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.
His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, “No, they are for the funeral.”
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t Christmas trees knit?
Because they lose their needles.
😄 😄 😄
When my mother died, all my father said was “cough, fatigue, fever”.
He’s a man of flu words.
😄 😄 😄
How many autistics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Just one. But it will take about two hours while they give you an excruciatingly detailed info dump about the history and technical details of various forms of electric lighting.
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Why did the police officers arrest the blue crayon?
Because it was in the blue.
😄 😄 😄
Can February march?
No, but April may.
😄 😄 😄
Lava is the hipster of the geology community.
It knew how to rock before it was cool.
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney’s Up for Halloween.
I’ll dress up as an old guy and she’ll dress up as a tombstone.
😄 😄 😄
I hear that Uranus just floats around in space. Can you explain that?
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Sunday school teacher: “Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?”
Johnny: “No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.”
😄 😄 😄
How do camels hide from predators?
Camel-flage.
😄 😄 😄
What did a brick say to a wall?
“I’ve got your back!”
😄 😄 😄
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
😄 😄 😄
Do songbirds get mad at hummingbirds...
Because they don’t know the words.
😄 😄 😄
I sued the airport the other day because they didn’t want to give me my luggage.
Guess what, I lost the case.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris once saw Spider-Man on a wall and then folded his newspaper.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A woolly jumper.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Cash.”
“Cash, who?”
“I didn’t realize you were some kind of nut!”
😄 😄 😄
Why do cemeteries contain the best stories?
Because they have so many plots.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?
A barberqueue!
😄 😄 😄
