What did parmesan say when it broke up with mozzarella?
“I’m sorry, I’m too mature for you.”
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Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon.
But they wouldn’t let us land because the moon was full.
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What can you expect on September 15th which is National Camouflage Day?
Hope to not see anyone celebrating.
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My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space.
I mean, what a thing to say to a friend. It totally ruined our bath!
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A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
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I guess your parents are bakers.
Because they made such a cutie pie!
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Dad: “My first son has a PhD in arts, my daughter has two degrees in communication and journalism and my youngest son is a burglar.”
Friend: “Wow, a burglar? You should kick him out!”
Dad: “Nah… he is the only one who makes money.”
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What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Luke.”
“Luke, who?”
“Luke out, I’m about to fart!”
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A bear walks into an ice cream shop.
Ice cream man: What can I get for ya?
Bear: Hi, I’d like a scoop of chocolate...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...
Ice cream man: ...
Bear: ...chip.
Ice cream man: Alright! One scoop of chocolate chip coming right up! By the way, what’s with the pause?
Bear (waving paws in the air): I'm a bear!
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So Marvel and IKEA decided to do a crossover series.
Marvel replaced the “Suit up” catchphrase with “Avengers Assemble”.
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From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.
“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”
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What does the pun writer use to write his puns?
A pun-cil.
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Why did the llama cross the road?
Because it was the chicken’s day off.
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If a crab worked in a pizza parlor, which station would it work?
The crust station.
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A blonde and a brunette are in a car. Brunette: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
Blonde: “I hope it’s not the 13th.”
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My kids have recently been super obsessed with the moon and my wife is starting to get worried.
I told her not to worry, it’s only a phase.
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An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed in the opposite direction.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”
Likewise, the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”
The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.”
The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”
So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.
He says to the Marine, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”
The Marine replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap, and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, “Your turn!”
The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine, and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”
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What do the ministry of magic and Chelsea F.C. fans have in common?
They both find Potter undesirable.
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Why was everyone keeping their food on my friend’s head?
He had got a bowl cut!
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