An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed in the opposite direction.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head-on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.
The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.
He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I am really lucky to be alive!”
Likewise, the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.
He too says to himself, “I can’t believe I survived this wreck!”
The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, “Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.”
The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I’m gonna see what else survived this wreck.”
So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.
He says to the Marine, “I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our newfound understanding and friendship.”
The Marine replies, “You’re damn right!” and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap, and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, “Your turn!”
The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine, and says, “Nahh, I think I’ll wait for the cops to show up.”
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What do the ministry of magic and Chelsea F.C. fans have in common?
They both find Potter undesirable.
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Why was everyone keeping their food on my friend’s head?
He had got a bowl cut!
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How did the farmer find his lost cow?
He tractor down.
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Friend 1: Eats a piece of sushi, starts coughing.
Friend 2: “Are you OK?”
Friend 1: “Yeah... Wasabi.”
Me: “Nothing much, wasabi with you?”
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What do you call a sneaky blue bean?
A navy bean.
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What would you call a small scoop of ice cream?
A uni-cone.
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Went to a pancake restaurant, and asked if my dinner would be long.
The waiter replied, “No, sir, round.”
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Hot dog, it’s your birthday!
Let’s be Frank, you’re probably planning to party your buns off, so go ahead – don’t be a weenie!
Relish every moment of your celebration!
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It’s so hot, that you could actually cook a full English breakfast on my forehead.
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If you’re looking for Spider-Man, you can always find him on the web.
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A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Donut.”
“Donut, who?”
“Donut worry, be happy!”
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I changed my password to “incorrect”, so anytime I forget and enter the wrong thing, the computer tells me what it is.
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Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip it looks like Ewoks having a party when she talks.
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Day 121 at home and the dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture!”
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Officer: “Do you know why I stopped you?”
Blonde: “Because I didn’t pull out of the donut shop too fast?”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Olive.”
“Olive, who?”
“Olive the stuffing too!”
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Jesus walked on water.
Chuck Norris swims through the land.
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What did Mario say when he saw the Alpaca?
Don’t-a worry it’s a false-a llama!
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