Want to get an idea how important you are during a government shutdown?
IRS REFUND department: Non-essential
IRS Audit department: Essential
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Millennial superstitions:
If your phone drops in the toilet bowl, you will have seven years of frustrating eyebrows.
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A king had ten wild dogs. He used them to torture and kill any minister that misguided him.
A minister once gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.
The minister said, “I served you loyally ten years, and you do this?”
The king was unrelenting.
Minister pleaded, “Please give me ten days before you throw me to the dogs.”
The king agreed.
In those ten days the minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to serve the dogs for the next ten days. The guard was baffled, but he agreed.
So when the ten days were up, the king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced.
When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw. The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister and licking his feet.
The king was baffled at what he saw.
“What happened to the dogs?!” He growled.
The minister then said, “I served the dogs for only ten days, and they didn’t forget my service. Yet I served you for ten years, and you forgot all at the first mistake.”
The king realised his mistake and...
Replaced the dogs with crocodiles.
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Yo mama has so much hair on her upper lip it looks like Ewoks having a party when she talks.
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Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
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Why did the foot smile?
He was toe happy.
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What do you use to hold things on the moon?
Crate-rs.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Smell mop.”
“Smell mop, who?”
“No, I won’t smell your poo!”
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Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
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What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?
I-Scream!
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My son’s has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he’s eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He’s full of surprises.
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I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labour and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, “Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!”
The man replied, “How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company.”
The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room.
About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets.
Mr. Smith stood up and said, “Well, how do ya like that, I work for the 3M Company.”
The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, “I think I need a breath of fresh air,” the man continued, “I work for 7-UP.”
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Why does the fungus always win the argument?
Because they don’t leave mush-rooms for debate.
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A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City before leaving on vacation and requests a $5,000 loan.
“Okay, miss, is there anything you’d like to use as collateral?” the banker inquires.
The lady says, “Of course, yes. I’ll drive in my Rolls Royce.”
Stunned, the banker inquires, “A Rolls Royce for $250,000? Really?”
The woman is completely positive. As the bankers and loan officers laugh at her, she hands over the keys. They check her credentials to ensure she is the rightful owner of the title. Everything is in order. They keep it for two weeks in their underground garage.
When she returns, she repays the $5,000 loan plus the $15.41 interest.
The loan officer says, “Miss, we appreciate your business, but I have one question. We looked you up and discovered you are a multi-millionaire. What makes you think you need $5,000?”
“Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?” the woman responds.
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I wonder if the moon prefers coffee or gravi-tea?
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Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
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Yesterday I went to the doctor with a sinus infection.
But he told me it was all in my head.
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Where do you keep your badge at a Star Trek convention?
On a Lanyard Nimoy.
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What key won’t open any door?
A donkey.
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Did you know that all the planets in the solar system are named after a god?
Except earth, which is named after all that stuff on the ground.
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