I wanted to make nachos, but my dad took the cheese.
He claimed it wasn’t mine.
😄 😄 😄
I’m great at multitasking:
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
😄 😄 😄
A Sunday school teacher decided to quiz her students about what they learned that year.
Sunday school teacher: “Okay class... who can tell me what are some different names used when talking about God?”
Little Johnny: “Hallowed!”
Sunday school teacher: “Hallowed? How did you get that as an answer?”
Little Johnny: “It’s in the Lord’s Prayer: Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name...”
😄 😄 😄
How many registered nurses does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they’ll delegate it to the nursing assistants, but they’ll check the vital signs just in case.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
😄 😄 😄
If you ever feel lonely, just dim down the lights and put on a couple horror movies.
After a while, you won’t feel like you are alone anymore.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call someone who doesn’t believe it is June yet?
A May-sayer.
😄 😄 😄
Why are all mini golf players depressed?
They have no drive.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so stupid when she saw the McDonald’s drive-through sign she drove through the building.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a leprechaun drinking a Guinness?
Short and Stout.
😄 😄 😄
A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.
“What are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!” The policeman says.
The next week he stops the same car to see that the man still has the lynx, “I thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.” He says.
“I did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the moon get a parking ticket?
They forgot to pay the parking meteor!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
😄 😄 😄
I hate it when someone tries to butter me up.
I like jam more.
😄 😄 😄
Things I learned in organic chemistry:
How to draw hexagons.
😄 😄 😄
My boss said to me, “You must be crazy! How can you issue a life insurance policy to a 108-year-old man?”
I said, “As you told me, I applied all the proper, stringent statistical tests. Not a single 108-year-old man has died in the last five years.”
😄 😄 😄
What did parmesan say when it broke up with mozzarella?
“I’m sorry, I’m too mature for you.”
😄 😄 😄
Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon.
But they wouldn’t let us land because the moon was full.
😄 😄 😄
What can you expect on September 15th which is National Camouflage Day?
Hope to not see anyone celebrating.
😄 😄 😄
My friend Jim told me today that I make people very uncomfortable and have no respect for personal space.
I mean, what a thing to say to a friend. It totally ruined our bath!
😄 😄 😄
