Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
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A man goes to an ice cream stall in Siberia.
The owner asks, “Which type of ice cream? The ice cream from the freezer, or the ice cream on the display cabinet?”
The man replies, “The one in the freezer, I’m pretty sure it’s warmer in there.”
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An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.
On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.
The Americans were incredulous.
Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an aborigine.
He had one ear pressed to the white line, whilst his left leg was held high in the air.
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate aborigine.
“Jacky,” said the tour guide, “what are you tracking and what are you listening for?”
The aborigine replied, “Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. It’s a red one. The left front tire is bald. The front ends out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.”
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
“God man, how do you know all that?,” asked one.
The aborigine replied, “I fell out off the pucken thing about half an hour ago!”
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Philosophy:
A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.
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Did you hear about the aspiring YouTube star that died from the flu?
He finally went viral.
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Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?
Because it was making him Moody.
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Why did the bones cross the road?
They didn’t, the dogs ate them.
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Why is Patrick Star Arabic?
Because he lives under Iraq.
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What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?
A big mac.
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How do Japanese Chihuahuas say hello?
Konnichihuahua.
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You’re so ugly when you sit in the sand, the cats try to bury you.
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Last year on Mother’s Day we had a big family get-together.
Afterwards my Mom starting getting ready to do the dishes.
Of course I couldn’t let her do that on her special day.
I said, “Leave the dishes, Mom. You can always do them tomorrow.”
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Why was the designer fired from the ad agency?
Because they kept kerning away from their work.
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What does an owl need after taking a bath?
A t-owl.
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What did the skydiver say in autumn?
I love the fall.
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Scientists experimented on a rabbit and a bug, guess what they get?
A bugs bunny.
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What did the buffalo say to his son just before he passed away?
Bison.
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A teacher told her first grade class, “A single dolphin can have two hundred off-spring!”
A little girl gasped, “How about the married ones?”
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Why did ChatGPT get kicked out of school?
Because it knew too much.
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An actor suffering from dementia just hit my car. I got him arrested.
As he was getting arrested, he kept saying, “Do you know who I am?!”
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