Nobody throws a BBQ as good as me.
My record is 21 feet.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the apple stop in the middle of the road?
Because he ran out of juice.
😄 😄 😄
I wanted to start a hide-and-seek league.
But good players are hard to find.
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Last time I went fishing, I caught some sort of clam and got hurt, but I don’t quite remember the rest of the day.
All I really know is that I pulled a mussel.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a guy floating up and down in the water?
Bob.
😄 😄 😄
Did you know that some say their favorite Thanksgiving food is pie?
It’s irrational.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of sandwiches do whales eat?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
😄 😄 😄
You know you’re old when you walk into the antique store, and they try to sell you.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Interrupting cow.”
“Interrup...”
“Moooooooo!”
😄 😄 😄
What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
😄 😄 😄
What did the peanut butter say to the jelly when they got lost?
“We’re in a jam!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an Irish guy coming back with more cakes?
Flanagan.
😄 😄 😄
Guess what monkeys eat in space?
Space bananas!
😄 😄 😄
I went to a haunted bed-and-breakfast in France.
That place was giving me the crêpes.
😄 😄 😄
A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.
One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.
Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.
“What’s with that group of players? They’re the worst I’ve ever seen! They’re holding up the course!”
The manager looks sheepish, “They’re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.”
The priest looks ashamed of himself, “As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I’ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.”
The lawyer likewise looks chagrined, “Same here, I’ll check with my firm and see if we can’t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.”
The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”
😄 😄 😄
My son’s has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he’s eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He’s full of surprises.
😄 😄 😄
I got a wooden bike with wooden handles and wheels. Guess what?
It woo-den start.
😄 😄 😄
I wanted to make nachos, but my dad took the cheese.
He claimed it wasn’t mine.
😄 😄 😄
I’m great at multitasking:
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
😄 😄 😄
A Sunday school teacher decided to quiz her students about what they learned that year.
Sunday school teacher: “Okay class... who can tell me what are some different names used when talking about God?”
Little Johnny: “Hallowed!”
Sunday school teacher: “Hallowed? How did you get that as an answer?”
Little Johnny: “It’s in the Lord’s Prayer: Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name...”
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