My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don’t know what else he wants to see.
😄 😄 😄
What sound do you hear when you drop a bomb on a cow?
Cowboom!
😄 😄 😄
Software architects should never design high-security fences.
They’re likely to make them highly scalable.
😄 😄 😄
Your momma’s so short she can bungee-jump off a curb!
😄 😄 😄
An Indian chief is driving his Cadillac somewhere at Nevada. Suddenly his car gets broken.
He examines it, and reveals that a technician must be called. But the chief has only $4, and no credit card.
So he gathers some wood, makes a fire and signals his tribe with its smoke, “Hey, send somebody to my location with $500!”
The tribe accepts this signal, but to make sure in its meaning, signals back once again with the smoke, “OK, chief, but why so much?”
At this moment a ground test of nuclear bomb is being held on the test field nearby. A huge mushroom-like cloud of smoke rises into the sky.
The tribe signals, “OK, OK, chief, we just wondered, why to be so angry?”
😄 😄 😄
In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn’t chasing the jeep.
Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus and the Jeep.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
It was melondramatic.
😄 😄 😄
At the request of my wife, I have placed an order for a box of ants to be shipped from Italy.
She said we need more Rome ants in our relationship.
😄 😄 😄
What is the definition of bravery?
A man with diarrhea chancing a fart.
😄 😄 😄
Now that Elon Musk has bought Twitter and laid off half the staff, he’s planning on buying YouTube and Facebook and doing the same with them.
To save even more money, he plans on merging the three companies into one.
He’s going to call it YouTwitFace.
😄 😄 😄
I got so sick of trick-or-treaters on Halloween night that I finally turned off all the lights and pretended I wasn’t home.
Forget the ships! My lighthouse, my rules!
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend asked me, “When we go to Egypt, can we go on a camel?”
I told her, “Don’t be silly. It would take ages to get there.”
😄 😄 😄
Two scientists walk into a bar.
One says, “I’ll have an H2O please.”
😄 😄 😄
Which way did the cow jump over the moon?
The Milky Way!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call six witches in a Jacuzzi?
A self-cleaning coven.
😄 😄 😄
A flat Earther dies and goes to heaven.
At the gates of heaven, St. Peter says to them, “Before you enter the gates of heaven, you may ask god one question.”
The flat Earther asks, “God, is the earth flat?”
God responds, “The earth is 100% a globe.”
The flat Earther exclaims, “Holy crap! This conspiracy runs deeper than I thought!”
😄 😄 😄
In the UK most people complain about the bad weather.
But Queen Elizabeth managed to get through 70 years and 214 days of continuous reign.
😄 😄 😄
I thought I saw a squirrel on the roof.
But it was just a roofing nut.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve given up social media for the New Year, and I am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.
Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.
And it works. I already have three people following me... two police officers and a psychiatrist.
😄 😄 😄
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone.
😄 😄 😄
