My friend said he was going to start a feeling-blue club, but I declined.
I’m more of an upbeat kind of person.
😄 😄 😄
What is a deer’s favorite boba flavor?
C-antelope!
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Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
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Why are writers really good at coding?
Because they are really into Pro grammar.
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There are 3 types of rings common to the Millennial marriage:
the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and tindering.
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Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
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A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.
The following week, she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.
Susie said, “He was born in a manger.” Bobby said, “He threw the money changers out of the temple.”
Little Johnny said, “He has a red pickup truck but he doesn’t know how to drive it.”
Curious, the teacher asked, “And where did you learn that, Johnny?”
“From my daddy,” said Johnny. “Yesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and daddy yelled at him, ‘Jesus Christ! Why don’t you learn how to drive?!’”
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What do you call Spider-Man with 20 eyes?
Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider-Man.
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Rise and shine!
If mornings were a sport, I’d be the MVP of hitting the ‘sleep’ button.
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Husband: “I got a package with bullets and Arabic note today.”
Wife: “Idiot! These are suppositories and the note from the doctor!”
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Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.
😄 😄 😄
What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?
It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.
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A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.
“Hello mate,” says St. Peter, “I’m sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven.”
“What?” Exclaims the man, astonished.
St. Peter: “You heard, no Man Utd fans.”
“But, but, but, I’ve been a good man,” replies the Man Utd supporter.
“Oh really,” says St. Peter. “What have you done, then?”
“Well,” said the guy, “Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa.”
“Oh,” says St. Peter. “Anything else?”
“Well, two weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless.”
“Hmmm. Anything else?”
“Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans.”
“Okay,” said St. Peter, “You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor.”
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns.
He looks the bloke in the eye and says, “I’ve had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here’s your thirty quid back, now screw off.”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris gets 4-wheel drive out of his bicycle.
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What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?
They gave him the cold shoulder.
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Me: “Good night, kids!”
Kids: “Good night, dad!”
Me: “Good night, monster under the bed who eats bad kids!”
Wife (through radio under the bed): “Good night!”
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Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.
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Why did the Easter Bunny cross the road?
Because the chicken had his eggs.
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Bowlers do not make good employees.
This is because 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
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