What do you call a stick with autism?
Autistic.
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A man pays a visit to an old father and meets his three daughters.
He’s staying the night, and each of the girls approaches him to offer their hospitality in turn.
The first informs him her name is June because she was born in the month of June. She is an expert at fortune-telling and provides him with predictions for the future.
The second informs him that her given name is August because she was born in August. She is a doctor and performs a full physical on him.
The third informs him that her name is Maple because she was born in a nearby town. She informs him of a massive treasure hidden beneath the family stables.
After digging for an entire night, he returns empty-handed to the house, covered in dirt and animal excrement. He complains to the wise man about Maple’s deception.
The wise man replies, “Oh, you must have met April. April fools.”
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I can’t believe my parents support my choice of profession.
I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian and they laughed at me!
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What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?
I come in pieces.
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What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
Do you believe in people?
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Why did the cow go to the BBQ restaurant?
She had her reputation at stake.
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A friend gave me a free guitar the other day, but I’ve been having trouble playing it.
I guess I can’t complain though, it’s not often someone just gives you something with no strings attached.
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Vacationers spend too much time and money at donut shops.
They’re torus traps.
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How do aliens pay for coffee?
They use star bucks!
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Friend 1: “Hey, I once went out on a super hot date!”
Friend 2: “Oh, really?”
Friend 1: “Absolutely! It was the month of August and a whopping 100 degrees outside.”
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What do you call a depressed blue crayon?
Blue-tiful.
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What do you call a hammer bought on April 1st?
April tool.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Bean.”
“Bean, who?”
“Bean awhile since I’ve seen you!”
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An old country gentleman sent his son off to engineering school.
Four years later, upon his son’s return, he asked him what he had learned at college.
The son replied, “Pi r square.”
The dad exclaimed, “You didn’t learn nothin’, boy! Pie are round, bread’s square.”
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Why is the moon constantly moody?
She’s just going through a phase.
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Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert.
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Yo mama so fat when she wears her yellow raincoat people yell out “taxi!”.
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Two kids were discussing their back to school sets.
Kid 1: “I have a pen that can write underwater.”
Kid 2: “Wow really?!”
Kid 1: “Yep. It can write other words, too.”
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Why do some people not like a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys?
Because of fowl language.
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TV commercials now show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.
I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
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