One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, “I’m supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time.”
“I’m so sorry, Mr. Kringle,” said the elf in charge of the workshop. “One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I’m afraid we only have four elites tonight.”
“So be it,” said Santa.
It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done, Santa was one hour overdue.
Finally, the sack was full. Santa dragged the heavy sack out of the workshop and to his sleigh. But the sleigh, of course, was very old, and some of the wood was rotting. So when Santa put the sack into the sleigh, it went right through the wood.
He hoisted the sack out of the hole, rushed to the barn, and came back with a hammer, nails, a ruler, a saw, and several planks of fresh wood.
It took two hours for Santa to fix the sleigh. By the time he was done, he was three hours overdue.
Finally, the hole in the sleigh had been patched. Santa went back to the barn to put away the hammer, the ruler, and the saw, and also to fetch his eight tiny reindeer. But when he got there, he found that he had left the door open.
“Oh no!” he said. “Some of the reindeer may have escaped!”
Indeed, when Santa entered the barn, he found that Dasher, Dancer, and Donner had run away. To make matters worse, Comet and Cupid were giving birth to fawns. Only three of the regular reindeer could pull the sleigh that year.
Santa immediately ordered some of his elves to look for the missing reindeer, and others to help Comet and Cupid give birth. Then he hitched Prancer, Vixen, and Blitzen to the sleigh without any problems. Now he needed to find five replacement reindeer. He eventually settled on Basher, Flasher, Smasher, Rudolph (this was before his nose started glowing), and Fred.
But those reindeer had never pulled a sleigh before, and it took two hours for Santa to hitch them. By the time he was done, he was five hours overdue.
Finally, a very stressed Santa Claus sat in his sleigh, ready to begin his flight. Just then, an angel walked by with a Christmas tree she had cut down.
“Good evening, Santa,” said the angel. “Where do you want me to put this?”
And so began the tradition of putting the angel at the top of the tree.
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What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
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I know it’s 3 meals a day.
But how many should I eat at night?
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They ran out crying ‘bird flu’!!!
I looked up and couldn’t see any, I’m sure they were lying.
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If people want to learn more about witchcraft...
Do they go to Wiccapedia?
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CEO of Tesla invented solar-energy gathering grass!
I love the stuff. My only complaint is that it had a real e-lawn musk smell to it.
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People are usually shocked when they find out I’m not a very good electrician.
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Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.
Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.
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Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...
And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.
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Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.
Then he’d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.
He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.
“Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now they’ve both moved to different parts of the country.
We still keep up the tradition, where we’re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.”
His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.
This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.
Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.
Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.
“It’s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.”
“Oh no, we’re all just fine. It’s just that it’s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.”
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My favorite character in the wizard of oz is the scarecrow.
I mean, come on, it’s a no-brainer!
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Your mama so short she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
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My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.
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Roses are red, cacti are thorny.
When I’m around you, you make me very...HAPPY!
I guess what I’m trying to say is aloe you very much.
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Where did the fisherman and mermaid meet?
On line.
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Why do otters sleep on their backs?
Because it’s otterly blissful.
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What do a cyclist and a politician have in common?
Both demand you respect them, but don’t want to follow the same rules as you.
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“Alcohol may intensify the effects of this medication”
I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...
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A little girl ran up to her father, shouting, “Daddy, Daddy! Can you guess how old I’ll be in October?”
The father laughed, “Oh, I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?”
She gave him a huge smile and held up four fingers.
It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she still won’t say where she got them.
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What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at martial arts?
The Carroty Kid.
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