Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Who.”
“Who, who?”
“I didn’t know that you are an owl!”
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May your morning be so bright that you need sunglasses just to pour your cereal.
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When I see lovers’ names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet.
I just think it’s surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
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One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single-engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base.
The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards.
The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly ran out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw.
After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isn’t a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.
Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the “You didn’t see anything” talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw.
The Air Force fuels up the man’s plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.
The next day, the man’s plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people on the plane.
When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again.
As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells, “Do whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night!”
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You so ugly your mama had morning sicknesses after you were born.
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A Korean martial artist was giving away chocolate bars.
I asked if I could have 2.
He said, “No, you can taek-won-do.”
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I once saw a hippo that had a sinus infection.
I named it “The heaposnotamus”.
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Why did the nun become an archaeologist?
She had a knack for digging up old habits.
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When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?
When it’s a snowman’s nose!
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A thief got caught stealing pizza. Guess what the police told him?
His marinara rights.
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Thanks to the coronavirus, we can now explain calling Gen Z “Zoomers”.
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Why is it called tourist season if we can’t shoot at them?
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Did you hear about the aspiring YouTube star that died from the flu?
He finally went viral.
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My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
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You know what they say “Big shoes, big nose, big hands”?
Probably a clown.
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What do Chelsea keepers and singer Michael Jackson both have in common?
Both wear gloves for no apparent reason.
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What did the mermaid wear to her math class?
An algae bra.
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What do clams do on a summer vacation?
They shell-ebrate.
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A man drove by a farm every day on his way to work, and he always saw a pig in the front yard.
One morning on his way in, he noticed the pig had a wooden leg. It was odd, but he put it out of his mind.
A couple of weeks later, he saw the pig had a second wooden leg. No longer able to contain his curiosity, we stopped by the next day on his way home and knocked on the farmer’s door.
An old man answered, and he asked him about the pig with the wooden legs. The old man thought for a few minutes before answering.
“Well, son, let me tell you about this here pig.
One day I was out plowing in the back forty, and my tractor hit a rut. It tipped over and trapped me under it. I was pinned down and slowly pushed into the mud, where I knew I was going to be smothered and die.
This pig saw what happened, ran back to the farm, and made a huge ruckus. Then, when people came out to see what was going on, he led them to me.
Yep, that pig saved my life that day.”
The man agreed that was an amazing story, but he still didn’t understand about the wooden legs.
The old farmer thought some more, then told him another story.
“Well, a couple of nights ago, my wife and I were sleeping in the house when the barn caught fire. The wind was kicking up, and it was spreading to the main house.
If it weren’t for that there pig banging on the windows and squealing and raising Cain, we would have died in that fire.
Pig saved our lives, no doubt about it.”
The man was flabbergasted, “Sir, I will grant you that is a marvelous animal, but I still don’t understand why it has two wooden legs?”
The old farmer looked out into the yard and nodded to the pig, “Son, you must be a city boy, because everybody knows a pig that good, you don’t eat all at once.”
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What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry?
Shrekspeare.
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