What do you call it when Spider-Man defeats Iron Man?
Tony Stuck.
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Getting up early is the first step in the wrong direction!
Good morning!
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
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What do you call a unicornβs dad?
Popcorn.
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Iβm a paranoid narcissist.
Iβm afraid no oneβs out to get me!
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Which rapper is the most acceptable to Muslims?
Halal Cool J.
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How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Theyβll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
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My tailor really likes fixing my clothes.
Or sew it seams.
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Your mamaβs so short during the election Donald Trump accidentally stepped on her and he thought he stepped on a brownieο»Ώ.
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Roses are red, violets are blue.
A face like yours, belongs in a zoo.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?
To bock traffic.
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CNN made a joke article for April Fools.
Just another day in the office.
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It sits in a corner and still travels around the world, guess who?
A stamp.
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Picked up a set of 20 Disney shorts on vinyl for only $30.
To be honest, though, I think theyβd chafe less in cotton.
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What do you call a half-baked joke?
A pun in the oven.
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Whatβs the farthest planet humans can see with their naked eye?
Uranus.
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I loved the first Shrek movie.
The second one was mediogre.
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An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.
He panicked and shouted, βGod, help me!β and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze.
A voice from the heavens boomed βYou say you donβt believe in me, but now youβre asking for my help?β
The atheist looked up and said, βWell, ten seconds ago I didnβt believe in the Loch Ness Monster either.β
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One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, βIβm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time.β
βIβm so sorry, Mr. Kringle,β said the elf in charge of the workshop. βOne of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. Iβm afraid we only have four elites tonight.β
βSo be it,β said Santa.
It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done, Santa was one hour overdue.
Finally, the sack was full. Santa dragged the heavy sack out of the workshop and to his sleigh. But the sleigh, of course, was very old, and some of the wood was rotting. So when Santa put the sack into the sleigh, it went right through the wood.
He hoisted the sack out of the hole, rushed to the barn, and came back with a hammer, nails, a ruler, a saw, and several planks of fresh wood.
It took two hours for Santa to fix the sleigh. By the time he was done, he was three hours overdue.
Finally, the hole in the sleigh had been patched. Santa went back to the barn to put away the hammer, the ruler, and the saw, and also to fetch his eight tiny reindeer. But when he got there, he found that he had left the door open.
βOh no!β he said. βSome of the reindeer may have escaped!β
Indeed, when Santa entered the barn, he found that Dasher, Dancer, and Donner had run away. To make matters worse, Comet and Cupid were giving birth to fawns. Only three of the regular reindeer could pull the sleigh that year.
Santa immediately ordered some of his elves to look for the missing reindeer, and others to help Comet and Cupid give birth. Then he hitched Prancer, Vixen, and Blitzen to the sleigh without any problems. Now he needed to find five replacement reindeer. He eventually settled on Basher, Flasher, Smasher, Rudolph (this was before his nose started glowing), and Fred.
But those reindeer had never pulled a sleigh before, and it took two hours for Santa to hitch them. By the time he was done, he was five hours overdue.
Finally, a very stressed Santa Claus sat in his sleigh, ready to begin his flight. Just then, an angel walked by with a Christmas tree she had cut down.
βGood evening, Santa,β said the angel. βWhere do you want me to put this?β
And so began the tradition of putting the angel at the top of the tree.
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What part of a flamingo has the most feathers?
The outside.
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