I am sweating like a vampire on a sunny beach.
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What do Vikings call English villages?
Chopping centers.
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I once accidentally poured glue in my son’s corn flakes.
He’s never talked to me again.
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Teacher: “What are the seasons?”
Student: “Salt, pepper, ginger...”
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What did the vampire say to his hungry friend?
Don’t B-negative. Look for more positive.
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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, “GIVE US YER LOOT”?
They were both blonds.
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What do you call a grape that’s always getting into trouble?
A mis-grape.
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When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it.
If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
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Why did the slave go to college?
To pick up his master’s degree.
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A computer scientist named Bob was about to leave to rent a movie.
As Bob was heading out, his wife said, “While you’re out, pick up some eggs.”
Bob never came back.
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The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist sees the glass completely full—half with liquid and half with air.
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Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics!
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The best way to keep a skunk from smelling is to hold its nose.
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I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding.
After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.
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What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?
A spores car!
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What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
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A woman is flirting with a man at a bar.
She says, “Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?”
The man replies, “I work for KGB.”
“Cool, tell me an interesting story!”
“About me or about you?”
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My family is all worried about my addiction to dot puzzles.
It’s OK though... I know where to draw the line.
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Why did the employee get a camel in the office building?
Because the boss said, “Bring in the hump day.”
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What do you call a stick with autism?
Autistic.
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