What did the other planets say to Uranus when it was feeling sad?
“Cheer up, life’s just a gas!”
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“I think there’s something wrong with your lips.”
“What is it?”
“They’re not kissing mine!”
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What do you call an older woman who was born around late November and early December?
Saggytarius.
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I got abducted by aliens...
I was told to do my all chores, eat my veggies, take a shower and brush my teeth.
It was then I realized I was in the mother ship.
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Murphy asked Paddy, “What ringtone have you got?”
Paddy said, “I’ve never really looked, but probably light brown.”
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A bar which does hip replacement operations recently opened near to me.
Critics are saying it’s the new hip place to be.
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What do you call an otter who’s obsessed with trains?
A trainsp-otter.
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Why did the blue paint laugh at the brown paint?
Because he was blue-tiful.
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Brought nachos to salsa class.
Huge misunderstanding.
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Having regained consciousness after a car accident, the doctor is trying to convince me that I am actually a Swedish guy and I have lost my memory.
Does he think I was Bjorn yesterday?
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Did you know that, with enough pressure, the human lung will burst like a balloon?
Anyway, I lost my medical license today.
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A lumber camp is looking for a lumberjack.
The next day, a skinny person arrives at the camp with an axe. The head lumberjack looks at the little small guy and instructs him to go away.
“Give me a chance to show you what I’m capable of,” the skinny guy pleads.
“See that massive redwood over there?” asks the head lumberjack. “Cut it down with your axe.”
The man runs towards the tree, and in five minutes he’s at the lumberjack’s door.
“I cut the tree down,” the man says.
“Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?” asks the lumberjack, who can’t believe his eyes.
“In the Sahara Forest,” the small man adds.
“You are referring to the Sahara Desert,” says the lumberjack after interrupting him.
“Sure! That’s what they’re calling it these days!”
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I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging out with her friends.
She said, “Yes!”
I said, “Good, because I’m breaking up with you.”
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Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
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I named my hard drive Dat Ass, so once a month my computer asks if I want to back Dat Ass up.
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Why do violists stand for long periods outside people’s houses?
They can’t find the key, and they don’t know when to come in.
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Guess who I saw at school today?
Everyone I looked at.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Getyur.”
“Getyur, who?”
“Getyur fangs outta my neck!”
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Two friends talking:
“Hey, can I borrow some money? I’m broke.”
“Get money from your job.”
“I got fired.”
“Why?”
“My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.”
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What is Spider-Man’s favorite part of the joke?
The punch line!
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