Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ice cream.”
“Ice cream, who?”
“Tobias some nice cold ice cream, you need some money.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the talent scout say about the juggling alpaca?
That alpaca is one of the most tailented alpacas around.
😄 😄 😄
My tailor really likes fixing my clothes.
Or sew it seams.
😄 😄 😄
A world-renowned chemist has passed away.
His will specifies that all of his favorite elements from the periodic table be put in his body.
“Are we really going to put a bunch of elements in his casket?” they ask his wife.
To which she replies, “No, just Barium.”
😄 😄 😄
Keeping The Romance Alive
I still love to spoil the love of my life.
If she works late at night, she calls me and tells me she’s on her way. I immediately start running the taps and pouring in some nice hot water with foam so that when she walks in, she can start washing the dishes right away.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
😄 😄 😄
Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them.
The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them.
The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on.
The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.”
“I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”
😄 😄 😄
Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in, and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dave said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Jim says, “Me too. You know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?”
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.
The next morning, Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It’s Jim.
Jim: “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Dave: “I feel great, how about you?”
Jim: “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”
Dave: “No, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”
Jim: “Yeah, well there’s just one thing.”
Dave: “What’s that?”
Jim: “Have you farted yet?”
Dave: “No.”
Jim: “Well, DON’T—because I’m in New Zealand.”
😄 😄 😄
Why does Mario want to be a celebrity?
Because being a star makes you invincible.
😄 😄 😄
What is Thriday?
That moment when Thursday starts to feel a lot like a Friday.
😄 😄 😄
When he was ten years old Warren Buffett called 911 to report a car had been in an accident near his local grocery store.
It was his first experience with a market crash.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the red panda bring a ladder?
It wanted to reach new heights-bear.
😄 😄 😄
I caught my wife using Tinder last night.
Needless to say, I swiped left on that cheating cow.
😄 😄 😄
What is the moon’s favorite type of music?
Rocket and roll!
😄 😄 😄
Me: “I have a Zoom meeting later.”
My cat: “Oh, me too.”
😄 😄 😄
My pet parrot—Nickel—just passed away.
Now I have a Nickel-less cage.
😄 😄 😄
Anyone can learn to climb a wall like Spider-Man, you just need to stick to it.
😄 😄 😄
Why do British people love playing chess?
Coz no one can kill their Queen.
😄 😄 😄
Why does the programmer think the Grinch’s attitude isn’t bad?
He says it’s in beta.
😄 😄 😄
My dad always said there are two ways you know that you’re getting old.
The first is that you start to forget things. I can never remember the second one.
😄 😄 😄
