What were Stephen Hawking’s last words?
“Error 404. File not found.”
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Two drunkards are from their usual drinking spree on their way home when they spot a mango fruit up the tree.
They start tossing stones at the fruit to fell it, after what seems like a lifetime missing the target.
One says to the other, “Maybe it is not even ripe, let me scale up the tree and take a closer look.”
The other agrees.
He tediously scales up the tree and gently squeezes the fruit to feel if it is ripe.
He comes down joyfully to his friend and say, “Yeap, the fruit is damn ripe, let’s get it.”
And they continue tossing the stones to the fruit.
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I have the eyes of a hawk, the heart of a lion, the ears of a fox.
And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
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What do you call a skeleton who just had hip surgery?
Hip-ster!
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I was invited to go play Dungeons and Dragons. I was told I needed to pick a race and a class for my character. So I picked white and middle.
Apparently that’s not how it’s played, but I just think they know I’d win.
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My wife, who is an economics professor told me she wants a divorce.
I’m not surprised, over the years I’ve felt she lost interest on me.
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What happens if you combine a vampire and a snowman?
You get frostbite.
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You so dumb can never find your race results because you search for “me”.
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Why did the hot dog dress up?
It felt a little halloweenie.
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Yo mama so old her birth certificate says “Expired”.
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I said to my kid, “Someone just told me that you’re acting like an owl.”
My son: “Who?”
Me: “Exactly.”
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Why did the teacher wear sunglasses in class?
Because the class was so bright!
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Why are the cranberries red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
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100-meter race.
Referee: “1,2,3, GO!”
Everybody started running except Santa.
Referee: “Why are you not running?”
Santa: “My number is 4.”
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Why do programmers like dark mode?
Because light attracts bugs.
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I broke up with a girl who was missing a few toes.
Because I am lack-toes-intolerant.
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Why did Uranus start a comedy club?
Because it wanted to be the butt of all jokes.
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Which holiday is every policeman’s favorite?
National Donut Day.
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If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a boring nerd...
I’d have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25
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A famous Australian fashion designer created a special collection of denim trousers for the indigenous population.
He calls them “aborijeans”.
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