The moon landing is obviously fake.
Like come on, the moon is still up there. It never landed.
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Somewhere, in the universe, there is a world with no war, no hate, no hunger and no poverty.
And also no oxygen.
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What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner?
The casse-role.
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When you’re a camel, every day is hump day!
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I roasted a chicken for dinner tonight.
I told it that it was so ugly it could be a turkey and that it laid horrible eggs.
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How did Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
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What is Bob Marley called on a motorbike?
Bob Harley.
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There’s a support group for people addicted to plastic surgery.
The head of the group walks in and says, “I’m seeing a lot of new faces this week, and I have to say I’m pretty disappointed.”
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Did you know that Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift’s relationship is over after just three months because he wanted it to be more public?
Guess she wanted it to be more Loki.
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An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her Dad on a “Take Your Kid to Workday”.
As they were walking around the office, the young girl was getting crankier and crankier, crying and sobbing.
Her father asked what was wrong with her.
As the concerned office staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?!”
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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”
Doctor: “Yes, of course.”
Patient: “Great! I never could before!”
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What do you call a washing machine with a September?
An autumn-atic washer.
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On the first night of their honeymoon, the husband isn’t sure how to tell his bride about his stinky feet and smelly socks, while the wife is wondering how to break the news to him about her awful breath, which so far, she’s been able to cover up. After some soul-searching, the husband gathers his nerve and says, “I have a confession.”
She draws closer, peers into his eyes, and says, “Darling, so do I.”
Recoiling, he says, “Don’t tell me—you’ve eaten my socks.”
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What do you call a left-handed woman with a gunshot wound in her right arm?
An ambulance.
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I asked the hairdresser if she ever gave a henna rinse.
She said, “No, but I once gave a duck a bath.”
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Why couldn’t the astronaut book a room on the moon?
Because it was full!
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You’re so short that you need to put on stilts to drive a car to reach the pedal.
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What do you call a bear who lives in the Arctic and has extreme mood swings?
A bi-polar bear.
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If you were a food what would you be?
Friend 1: “Pizza because I’m so cheesy.”
Friend 2: “Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends.”
Me: “Donut because I’m so empty inside.”
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What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?
An ambulance!
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