How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
😄 😄 😄
A car salesman asked me, “What are you looking for in a car?”
I said, “It has to be affordable.”
He said, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve never heard of a Ford Ibble.”
😄 😄 😄
Yesterday I had an Adele chocolate Easter Bunny.
The first half was delicious, but it was hollow from the other side.
😄 😄 😄
Got a B in my computer programming class.
Call that a C++.
😄 😄 😄
Are slugs just snails that have gone through a divorce?
“Yep, she got the house.”
😄 😄 😄
New Year’s Eve forecast:
Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
😄 😄 😄
You can look at the solar eclipse directly.
Once with your left eye, once with your right eye.
😄 😄 😄
A colonoscopy doctor walks into the bank.
He says to the banker, “I’d like to deposit a check.”
The banker says, “Sure but I’m going to need you to sign here.”
The doctor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer.
He then says, “Dammit, some asshole took my pen!”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t mermaids play badminton?
They might get caught in the net.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?
“Hey, pal, want to blue me away?”
😄 😄 😄
What do Indians, Pilgrims, and Puritans have in common?
The letter ‘I’.
😄 😄 😄
Good morning!
Sorry you can’t wake up to my wonderful face, but hopefully this text will suffice.
😄 😄 😄
Your forehead is so big that if Michelangelo ever started painting frescoes on your forehead, it would take him four years to complete it.
😄 😄 😄
My addiction to helium is out of control, but...
No one is taking my cries for help seriously.
😄 😄 😄
You’re riding a horse full speed, there’s a giraffe beside you, and you’re being chased by a lion. What do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel!
😄 😄 😄
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert.
😄 😄 😄
I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.
I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t sniper attacks work on volleyball players?
Because they always run for cover.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the werewolf go to the dressing room when he saw the full moon?
He needed to change.
😄 😄 😄
Me: “Siri, why am I still single?”
Siri activates the front camera.
😄 😄 😄
