What do you call a cow in an earthquake?
A milkshake!
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What’s the difference in definition of complete vs. finished?
When you marry the right woman, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.
When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.
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Yo mama so poor when I stepped on a cigarette to put it out she said “Hey, who turned off the heat?”
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Why do T-Rexes have such bad anger issues?
Because their fathers never hugged them.
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The policeman told me he was chasing a man with one leg.
I told him to use both, he would get him faster.
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How does a tiger move a boat?
He uses roars.
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Why did the Smurfs kick Papa Smurf out of their village?
He was giving them all the blues.
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Your mama so short she thought the cracks in the sidewalk were part of a maze.
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What do you call alien eggs?
Eggstra-terrestrials!
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What does a mushroom sit on?
A toadstool.
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Never trust an electrician with no eyebrows.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Canoe.”
“Canoe, who?”
“Canoe you buy me a donut?”
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A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”
The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”
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Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?
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My son and I both have knee problems.
It is a joint issue.
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What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?
An Apocaclipse.
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You know, you’re being a little moon-dy, I hope it’s just a phase!
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How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
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A car salesman asked me, “What are you looking for in a car?”
I said, “It has to be affordable.”
He said, “I’m sorry, sir, I’ve never heard of a Ford Ibble.”
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Yesterday I had an Adele chocolate Easter Bunny.
The first half was delicious, but it was hollow from the other side.
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