How do you ask a dinosaur if he wants a warm beverage?
“Tea, Rex?”
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What kinds of beer makes you urinate vowels?
IPAs.
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Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they’ll change it back.
It’s only a phase, after all.
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Spider-Man came all the way down here to tell me I dropped his phone number.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Toast.”
“Toast, who?”
“Toasting to a delicious breakfast!”
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I told my friends I was a blood-sucking insect from the moon.
They said I was a luna tick.
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If you were a food what would you be?
Friend 1: “Pizza because I’m so cheesy.”
Friend 2: “Chocolate chip cookie because I have lots of friends.”
Me: “Donut because I’m so empty inside.”
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What do you call a guy floating up and down in the water?
Bob.
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I don’t work well under pressure...
...or any other circumstance.
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What do you get when you cross an alien and something white and fluffy?
A martian-mallow!
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Bob’s first day in heaven.
God: “You’re about to get your wings!”
Bob: “Lemon pepper or BBQ?”
God: “Get out.”
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Why do ducks fly over Alabama upside down?
There’s nothing worth craping on.
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What’s one thing that you’ll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?
You’ll both be filled with stuffing.
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There’s a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you.
Second place is just a constellation prize.
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What did the apple teacher say to her student?
“Help me orange the chairs please!”
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Guess what I’m wearing?
The smile you gave me.
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You’re so old George Washington cut down your Christmas tree.
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What do you call a blue cat that likes to race?
A fast purrr-ple.
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A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house.
His mother had Puritan principles.
The mother, as long as the girl was there, didn’t even try to hide her dislike feelings for his son’s choice.
“Mom, can I escort Helen?”
The girl, waiting to hear a cold-hearted “no”, she surprised hear.
“Sure... You can! Escort her... to the corner with your eyes!”
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Why was Darth Vader bad at sports?
He always choked.
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