How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, because the keyboard player can do it with his left hand.
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My grandfather was a very intelligent man. He was an inventor. He invented the cold air balloon.
Only problem was it never really took off.
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What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?
On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.
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Why did the elf put his bed in the fireplace?
Because he wanted to sleep like a log.
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Why did Stephen Hawking stop playing hide and seek with his wife?
Because she kept using a metal detector.
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A Sioux woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist.
“I want a tooth pulled, and I don’t want any painkillers because I’m in a big hurry,” the Sioux woman said. “Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we’ll be on our way.”
The dentist was quite impressed, “You’re certainly a courageous woman,” he said. “Which tooth is it?”
The Sioux woman turned to her husband and said, “Show him your tooth, dear.”
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I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.
It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.
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What do you call a sad strawberry?
A blueberry.
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My PhD was about torque.
I guess that makes me a spin doctor.
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Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed.
Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens
Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes
Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work
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To what would you change the name of a kid named Hunter if he becomes a vegetarian?
Gatherer.
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What does a philosophy student feel when they fail a module on empiricism?
Hume-iliation.
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An engineering student designed a robot that would take his exams for him.
The other designed a robot that could cheat off the first robot.
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English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
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Ever wonder why it’s called a Form 1040?
For every $50 you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.
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What did one broken ankle say to the other?
“Let’s stay positive and get back on our feet!”
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You can’t lose weight by talking about it.
You need to keep your mouth shut.
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“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “and I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
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It’s hotter than a door knob in a barn blaze out here.
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The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads “Please use toilet brush after using the toilet”.
Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?
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