What do you call a zombie that writes the music?
Decomposer.
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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
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What kind of money did the Elf on the Shelf use?
Jingle bills.
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Why does a dog stay in a shadow?
Because it doesn’t want to be a hot dog.
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It’s so hot that my clothes dried right after I took them out of the washing machine.
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If Uranus is disgusting, why on earth do NASA take so many photos of it?
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In an interview, the Prime Minister is asked if he acknowledges Australia’s aboriginal past.
Squeezing his brain, he tries to remember what he learned at school. But there is only darkness prior to Cook.
“Yes,” he says finally, “I can confirm that Australia has a black history.”
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Your so ugly when you were born your mom said, “Oh, what a treasure!”
And your dad said, “Yeah, le’ts bury it.”
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It is hotter than jalapenos and spice on rye.
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The Koreans were printing with movable type in 1403.
I was in 1402 and the noise kept me awake all night.
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It’s so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
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You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
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What do you get when you cross Spider-Man with a flatbread?
Pita Parker.
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What’s a Pinterest user’s favorite type of weather?
Rainy, so they have an excuse to stay in and pin all day.
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What do you call it when one chickpea murders another?
Hummus-cide.
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The Earth was flat until Chuck Norris looked in its direction.
Then it rolled up into a ball.
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My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.
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The artist was great.
He could always draw a crowd.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who's there?”
“Ho, ho.”
“Ho ho, who?”
“You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.”
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My friend told me he hated blue cheese because it’s literally just cheese with bacteria.
I told him to stop discriminating against other cultures.
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