Why can’t you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?
You can’t take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!
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Elon’s opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...
Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?!
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What’s a vegetable’s favorite martial art?
Carrotee!
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Have you heard about the pregnant bed bug?
She gave birth in the spring.
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What do you call a Scottish girl with a fake tan in an Indian restaurant?
A mango lassie.
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Where does a majority of a hockey player’s salary come from?
The tooth fairy.
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Why did the alien think the spaceship was so good?
It was out of this world!
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Good morning!
Remember, life is too short to skip breakfast...
Or to wear matching socks.
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A few weeks ago, I ordered a box to store my money and a set of speakers online.
They arrived today, safe and sound.
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What kind of car did the famous sushi chef drive?
A rolls rice.
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When Chuck Norris looks into the mirror it breaks because nobody gets between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
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What vegetable can tie your shoes?
String beans.
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My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”
Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.
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I told my tailor that I would be choosing and putting on my own clothes for my upcoming wedding.
He said, “Suit yourself.”
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Two Roofers—Bob and Dan—were putting a new roof on a barn when a bundle of shingles slid down the slope and knocked the ladder over.
Bob and Dan decided that, since it was early, they would continue working because someone would surely come around by quitting time.
It was nearing 5 PM, and they hadn’t seen hide nor hair of anyone.
So, they walked around the roof a few times and finally decided there was only one way down. On the West side of the barn was a big manure pile.
Bob says, “It’s the only way down. I will go first.”
Bob jumped.
Dan heard the squishy landing and yelled, “Hey Bob! How deep did you go?”
Bob yells back, “I went to my ankles Dan, come on JUMP!”
Dan jumps... and sinks clear up to his neck in manure!
“I thought when you jumped, you went up to your ankles?” he shouts at his friend.
“I did...” explained Bob, “but I landed head first!”
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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
A tire.
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Johnny tried to buy a toy car with Monopoly money at the store.
The cashier said, “There’s no way I can take this. It’s fake.”
Johnny said, “Well, the car’s not real either.”
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What type of brief packs a punch?
A boxer brief.
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You have 30 chocolate bars. You eat 20 in 1 day. What do you have now?
Diabetes.
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