Arthas and Ulther walk into a room.
Arthas notices a switch on the wall and asks Uther what it’s for.
Uther looks at him and replies, “FOR THE LIGHT!”
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Why didn’t the octopus fight the shark?
Because he was spineless.
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What do you call a gangster who wears eyeliner?
An emoji.
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I went to see a beet poet the other day.
There were lots of hip peas there.
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What room can no one enter?
A mushroom.
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Not looking forward to Thanksgiving. There’s always yelling, crying, and plate-throwing.
Also, it’s hard always being alone on Thanksgiving.
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I love being a grandparent in retirement.
I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.
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I asked Uranus about its love life.
And it replied, “It’s complicated, I’m in a gas-tly relationship.”
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What’s the problem with jogging on New Year’s Eve?
The ice falls out of your drinks!
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What do aliens spread on their toast?
Space jam.
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A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
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Did you hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
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Which vegetables go best with jacket potatoes?
Button mushrooms.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Owl.”
“Owl, who?”
“Owl I can say is “Knock, knock”!”
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What do you call a 200-year-old Buffalo?
A bison-tennial.
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You put the ‘hot’ in hot fudge sundae.
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A doctor was chatting at a party with a chartered accountant.
He asked, “How do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble? Just because I am a doctor. Not fair!”
The CA friend replied coolly, “Just tell them the right things politely, but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning. Only once. Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately.”
“Wow! Thanks for the tip,” said the doctor.
The next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend: “Consulting charges for Business Development”.
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Why can’t you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?
You can’t take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!
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Elon’s opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...
Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?!
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What’s a vegetable’s favorite martial art?
Carrotee!
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