How are rioters like school in July?
No class.
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Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
Because he was out-standing in his field.
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Scientists have discovered that crabs hear through their legs.
They said they yelled at a crab and it ran away.
Then they cut off its legs and yelled at it again. And this time the crab didn’t run away.
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I told my friend that I want to live on Uranus.
They said, “I guess you’re really into extreme living conditions!”
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Guy 1: “Yesterday, my wife ran away with my best friend Mike.”
Guy 2: “And since when is Mike your best friend?”
Guy 1: “Yesterday.”
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What do a bass guitar solo and peeing your pants have in common?
It’s quiet and embarrassing.
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How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
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One day a boy went swimming in a lake. He soon got into trouble, though and was starting to drown.
Luckily, there was a firefighter by the lake who swam out and pulled the boy up onto the beach and began CPR.
A crowed gathered round and watched as the firefighter frantically pumped on the boys chest. Water kept pouring from the boy’s mouthe ach time the firefighter pumped more water came out.
A short time later, seaweed started coming out, then minnows, then more water started coming out of the boy’s mouth. The firefighter feared this would never stop.
Just then, a paramedic arrived, quickly ran over to the firefighter and said, “Hey, Chief! You better get that kid’s butt out of the water before you pump that lake dry.”
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A rabbit, a fox and a bear have to enroll in the army. Neither of the 3 are very happy about it, and the only chance they have to avoid it is by being rejected during the medical exam.
As they are waiting in line at the doctor’s office, their desperation builds up untill right before it’s the rabbits turn.
The rabbit turns to the fox, “Fox, I might have a plan. Bite off my ear, trust me on this one!”
The fox does so, and the rabbit enters the office.
A few moments later, he gets out yelling, “I was rejected, guys!”
“Because of your ear?” they ask.
“Yes, because without it, I can’t detect the enemy as well,” says rabbit.
“Good thinking,” they say.
And with that in mind the fox turns to the bear, “Rip my tail off!”
The bear doesn’t even hesitate and does so.
Then, the fox takes his turn in the office.
After a while he comes back yelling, “I am rejected too! Without my tail, I can’t be as sneaky and agile as I need to be.”
Now it was the bear’s turn to ask, “Quickly, guys, knock out all of my teeth, because a bear without teeth isn’t scary at all!”
The rabbit and the fox start beating the muzzle of the bear, completly breaking his face untill there is no tooth is left in his mouth.
He then proceeds to go inside the doctor’s office.
Not long after he gets out, he shouts, “Rejecwew!”
“Nice,” they say. “Because of your teeth, right?”
“Nwo,“ says the bear. “Too fat.”
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Why was the red panda good at math?
It always knew how to add-bear the numbers.
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Working from home is making me go to the kitchen more often than usual.
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What is the proper way to use a stress ball at work?
To throw it at the last person that upset you. Instant de-stress.
😄 😄 😄
If Joker and Harley Quinn have a son.
The name is Joaquin.
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What do heroes like Spider-Man and Ant-Man have in common?
They bug the villains!
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Rise and shine!
If mornings were a sport, I’d be the MVP of hitting the ‘sleep’ button.
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Why do T-Rexes have such bad anger issues?
Because their fathers never hugged them.
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A Polish man calls 911.
Operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Pole: “Help! My wife is trying to kill me!”
Operator: “How do you know?”
Pole: “I checked her medicine cabinet and found ‘Polish Remover’!”
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Wire.”
“Wire, who?”
“Wire you still not in my phone’s contacts list?”
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A man walks into a barbershop and asks, “How much for a haircut?”
“Twelve dollars,” says the barber.
“And for a shave?”
“Ten dollars.”
“All right,” says the man, settling into the barber chair. “Shave my head.”
😄 😄 😄
What is Yoda’s preferred seat on an aeroplane?
Next to a Windu.
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