When should you wear flip-flop sandals?
On a Toesday.
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You’re so observant, would you like me to pat you on your back?
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Men need to stop staring and yelling at me when I wear yoga pants.
I’m not doing it for you. I’m doing it for me, because it’s comfortable.
Who cares if you can see my balls?
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What do you call the people born in April who aren’t particularly intelligent?
April fools.
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Yo mama so stupid she thought The Exorcist was a workout video.
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I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.
It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper...
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The CEO of IKEA was just elected president in Sweden.
He should have his cabinet together by the end of the week.
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What did the egg say to the frying pan?
You crack me up.
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New Year’s Eve forecast:
Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
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I tried to organize my life like Pinterest.
But it ended up looking more like a messy DIY project.
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What do you call a washing machine with a September?
An autumn-atic washer.
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What makes nuts healthy?
They have many nut-rients.
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I banged my bike against the wall today.
It was wheelie unfortunate.
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Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service.
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I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
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I decided to donate my body to science.
For the time being, I’m following a routine to preserve it with ethanol until they need it.
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The bad news: I took the wrong medication today.
The good news: For the next 3 months I’m protected against heartworms and fleas.
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What number do you call in a Taco emergency?
Nine Juan Juan.
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Wives are strange creatures. Mine sometimes waits up for me till I come home at 3 am to ask me whether I know what time it is.
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Johnny paid his way through college by waiting in a restaurant.
“What’s the usual tip?” asked a customer.
“Well,” said Johnny, “This is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, I’d be doing great.”
“Is that so?” growled the customer. “In that case, here’s twenty dollars.”
“Thanks. I’ll put it in my college fund,” Johnny said.
“By the way, what are you studying?” asked the customer.
“Applied psychology.”
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