My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend.
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup?
Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
😄 😄 😄
Your mama’s so short that her homies are the Keebler Elves.
😄 😄 😄
Dating me is like being in a mental asylum.
😄 😄 😄
My boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and can’t figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting.
😄 😄 😄
How do you know when an octopus has diarrhea?
It leaves squid-marks.
😄 😄 😄
There’s this black kid that goes to school and realizes teachers treat him differently than the white kids.
So, he goes home, paints himself white and shows his dad.
His dad beats the crud out of him.
He shows his mother, “Hey Ma, look! I’m white!”
He gets beat by his mom too.
Lastly, he shows his grandmother, “Grandma, look! I’m white!”
She beats him badly with her cane and sends him to his room.
Later, his dad comes into his room and asks, “Son, did you learn anything out of this?”
And the boy replies, “Duh! I’ve only been white for an hour, and I already hate three niggers!”
😄 😄 😄
What do the ministry of magic and Chelsea F.C. fans have in common?
They both find Potter undesirable.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Avery.”
“Avery, who?”
“Avery Merry Christmas to you!”
😄 😄 😄
I thought breakfast in bed would be a nice Mother’s Day treat for my Mom.
So I’ve put a camp bed next to the stove for her.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Olive.”
“Olive, who?”
“Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it.”
😄 😄 😄
Me and my childhood crush are getting married next week.
Me on Wednesday and she on Saturday.
😄 😄 😄
Guess who Dracula brings with him to movie premieres?
His ghoul-friend!
😄 😄 😄
Blue jeans are immortal.
They never die, they just fade away.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so fat that she looks like Jabba the Hut before picture.
😄 😄 😄
Why do blue whales need computers?
To go on their whale-net.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Beak.”
“Beak, who?”
“Beak careful that you don’t get pranked on April Fools’ Day.”
😄 😄 😄
The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called Sound of Wasps.
When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!
Turns out I’d been playing the Bee side.
😄 😄 😄
I’m on medication for my Pokémon Go addiction.
Gotacachemol.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Ginger.”
“Ginger, who?”
“The Ginger Bread Man!”
😄 😄 😄
