How many general-relativity theorists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate space.
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How do you make a Chinese man no longer Asian?
Just spin him around in circles until he’s disoriented.
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Purple is my favorite color!
I like it more than blue and red combined.
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Why can’t people in wheelchairs be looked at for too long?
They can’t handle stares.
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My nutritionist told me to only eat foods if I could pronounce their ingredients.
I gained a lot of weight after taking organic chemistry.
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How did the telephone boyfriend propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.
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Why will the Flat Earth Society never be popular?
Because they cant get the word a round.
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King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him.
But the witch demanded a young, handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her.
On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and young and beautiful at night, or vice versa.
Galahad told her that he respected her choice over her appearance and she can decide that.
The witch was pleased, as Galahad knew what a woman wanted the most, is freedom over her body.
She told Galahad that she will be a beautiful wife all the time for him.
The moral of the story is, no matter how good your wife looks, she is still a witch underneath.
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got tired of the HOLE business.
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How does a man from Alabama hold up his pants?
With a bible belt.
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Doctor: “Who’s my next patient?”
Nurse: “Mr. Ghost.”
Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see right now.”
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Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?
They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.
Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn’t have a Flash player installed.
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An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip.
He notices there a machine with the indication: “Put a dollar in the slot and the machine will tell you who you are!”
Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and waits.
The machine suddenly sounds:
“You’re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You’re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.”
The man blacked out with the machine’s ability.
So, he decided to trick the machine.
He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot.
“You’re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You’re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago,” says the machine.
“But it’s impossible!” screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine.
He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab.
Then, he did the same routine.
“You’re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You’re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.”
Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot.
“You’re John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your bullshits you... lost the train!”
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What do you call a bison that is good at telling lies?
Bluffalo.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Anita.”
“Anita, who?”
“Anita piece of that birthday cake!”
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What did the chef say to his staff on Labor Day?
“Let’s take a break and cook up some fun!”
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I just heard that the Dunkin’ Donuts in my area will initiate with a surcharge for coming in without wearing a mask.
They’re going to call it a cough fee.
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An actor I know fell through the floor recently.
It’s just a stage he was going through.
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The other day my yoga instructor turned up to the class drunk.
I was put in quite an awkward position.
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Why did the Mallard fail as a comic?
His humor was too fowl.
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