What was the name of the first satellite to orbit the Earth?
The moon.
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Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy, I break out in hives.
I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.
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I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”
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Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”
Student: “My father’s checkbook.”
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I really wish someone would have told me how long this solar eclipse was going to take.
Don’t get me wrong, I had been enjoying watching it, but had I known it would still be going on for this long, I would have bought a pair of those fancy NASA glasses.
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What did the banker say to the electrician?
“We will pay for your current account.”
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In a place without geometry...
Life is pointless.
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What do Jack-o-lanterns do in October?
Go bungee gourd jumping.
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How does a penguin build its house?
Igloos it together.
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Why didn’t the chicken cross the road?
Because there was a KFC on the other side.
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I broke up with my video game console, now it’s my ex-box.
Nothing personal, it was just time for a switch.
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My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
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Why hasn’t anyone ever seen ghost poop?
Because it’s invisible.
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Do you have a name, or can I call you mine?
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A beaver hit a wall.
And yells out dam.
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Yo momma's got a peanut butter wig with jelly sideburns.
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The center of a donut is 100% fat-free.
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Where did Luke get his cybernetic hand?
The second hand store.
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You’re so short you would need a lift to kiss your bride.
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Have you heard about the new trend?
People are putting baked goods on their ear studs.
It’s pie-on-earring fashion.
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