A man has gone on a month-long vacation, leaving his friend to take care of his grandmother, his cat, and the avocado tree in his backyard.
A few days into the vacation, the man gets a call from his friend, who says, “Your cat got run over by a car and died.”
The man, understandably, is horrified and says that it was too sudden. He tells his friend that what he should do is first, tell him that his cat ran away, then the next day, tell him that his cat got stuck at the top of the avocado tree, and the third day tell him that his cat died.
His friend thinks that this is a reasonable request.
A week later, the man gets another phone call from his friend.
“What?” he asks.
His friend replies, “Your grandmother is stuck at the top of the avocado tree.”
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Why are PC gamers always sad?
Because they can’t console each other.
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What is more exciting than baseball?
Acidball.
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Did you hear that I won the Thanksgiving turkey cookoff?
You butterball-ieve it.
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What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
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My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year, and he still can’t say the word “please”.
Which I think is poor for four.
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Life is better in a sweater.
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Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?
He had nobody to go with.
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I invited a blind bingo caller to my dinner party.
He’s not a close friend, he’s just there to make up the numbers.
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It is so hot that potatoes cook underground.
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My wife asked me, “Why are there holes in your pants?”
I said, “It’s Sunday, right?”
My wife: “Yeah?”
Me: “Well, these are my holy pants.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
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Are you Wi-Fi? Cause I’m totally feeling a connection.
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What’s the difference between UFOs and an honest politician?
It is possible that UFOs exist.
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Yo mama is so fat a bus hit her and she said “a mosquito”.
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What’s an alien’s favorite chocolate bar?
A mars bar!
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What do feminists say at the end of their prayers?
Awomen.
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What do you call a fire at the Internet café?
An e-mergency.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an Arabic dairy farmer?
A milk sheikh.
😄 😄 😄
My dad once told me that it is not the size of the nose that matters but what is inside it.
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