My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
😄 😄 😄
A trucker stops for a red light one day and notices a blonde in the car behind.
She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and the blonde says to him, “Hi, my name’s Julie, and I thought you should know you’re losing some of your load.”
The trucker just ignores her, raises the window, and proceeds down the street as the light changes.
A short while later he has to stop for another red light. The blonde in the car is still behind him.
Again, she jumps out of her car, runs up, and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they’ve never spoken before, the blonde says brightly, “Hi, my name’s Julie, and I thought you should know you’re losing some of your load!”
The trucker shakes his head but apart from this, he ignores her again. He raises the window and drives on as the red light changes.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
At the fourth red light, the trucker jumps out of his truck and runs back to the blonde’s car. He knocks on the window and she lowers it.
The trucker says, “Hi, my name’s Steve, it’s winter in Canada, and I’m driving the salt truck!”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris finished World of Warcraft.
😄 😄 😄
I’m not buying this sweater.
It’s made of ex-boyfriend material.
😄 😄 😄
How does a baked bean learn from its mistakes?
It uses Heinz sight.
😄 😄 😄
What did the project manager say to the programmer?
You start coding, I’ll go find out what they want.
😄 😄 😄
If my nose runs, should I catch it?
😄 😄 😄
I was hungry and bought a box of animal crackers today.
The box said “WARNING: Do not eat if the seal is broken”.
I then opened it up, and every type of animal was in 1 piece, save for a single cracker at the bottom of the box...
😄 😄 😄
If a baker assaults somebody with a baguette...
Can he be charged with assault with a breadly weapon?
😄 😄 😄
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve used algebra in my life.
I’d have n dollars.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference in definition of complete vs. finished?
When you marry the right woman, you are complete.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.
When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris speaks English, French, Spanish, Italian, and Portuguese.
At the same time in every sentence.
😄 😄 😄
A man went viral after making a TikTok video describing how to keep cool without any air conditioning.
He has a lot of fans.
😄 😄 😄
So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady.
She said to me, “Sonny, would you like some nuts? I’ve got a couple of hazelnuts and almonds if you’d like.”
“Sure.”, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
“What a nice lady”, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.
I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, “Why don’t you eat them yourself?”
“Because we’ve got no teeth,” she replied.
“Then why do you buy them?”, I asked.
“Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo daddy so drunk his breath gave you liver failure.
😄 😄 😄
A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, “Doctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”
The doctor calmly answers, “Pay me in advance.”
😄 😄 😄
Roses are red, violets are blue.
Your phone is smart, so why aren’t you?
😄 😄 😄
I had this long fungi joke, but I don’t have enough shroom to type it.
😄 😄 😄
A French couple, an Italian couple and a Polish couple go out to dinner.
The French husband says to his wife, “Pass the honey, honey.”
The Italian man says to his wife, “Pass the sugar, sweety.”
The polish guy, not quite understanding the situation, says to his wife, “Pass the bacon, you fat pig.”
😄 😄 😄
The guy next to me on pump 2 just put $10 worth of gas into his car.
Where does he think he is going? Pump 3?
😄 😄 😄
