My boss told me, “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.”
Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.
😄 😄 😄
I came home to an intervention put on by my ex-lovers, my mom and my dad.
And this is why we need the Oxford comma.
😄 😄 😄
Three American Indians get lost in the forest.
Indian No.1: “What do we do?”
Indian No.2: “I don’t know, we’re Indian, we’re not supposed to get lost in the forest!”
Indian No.3: “We could do like the white man and fire three shots into the air.”
Indian No.2: “How does that help?”
Indian No.3: “Well, when the white man gets lost in the forest, he fires three shots into the air and then somebody comes and saves him.”
Indian No.2: “That sounds like a great idea!” points to Indian No.1 and says, “Go ahead and fire three shots in the air.”
Indian No.1 fires three shots into the air and they wait.
After an hour, nothing happens.
Indian No.1: “So, how long are we supposed to wait?”
Indian No.2: “I don’t know. I guess it depends on how close they are. Maybe we should try again?”
Indian No.3 (to Indian No.1): “Yeah, try firing three more shots in the air.”
Indian No.1: “I would, but I only have two arrows left.”
😄 😄 😄
Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can make a robot bleed.
😄 😄 😄
Your ears are so big if I blew a hairdryer in your face you’d take off.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dog with 2 legs?
Snoop Dogg.
😄 😄 😄
If you are wondering about a peach’s favorite game.
It’s peach ball.
😄 😄 😄
I made a blue smoothie today.
It was berry good.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man have shaky hands?
He has Peter Parkinsons.
😄 😄 😄
What are Michael Jackson’s pronouns?
He/Hee.
😄 😄 😄
How are pandas made?
You punch a polar bear in the eyes.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama is so stupid that she thinks Tiger Woods is a forest in India.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bodybuilder read the dictionary?
He was trying to learn how to define muscle.
😄 😄 😄
A garden gnome is busy destroying some plants when suddenly a house cat appears.
“What are you?” asks the cat.
“I’m a gnome. I steal food from humans, I kill their plants, and I raise a ruckus at night to drive them crazy. I just love mischief! And what, may I ask, creature are you?”
The cat thinks for a moment and says, “I guess I’m a gnome.”
😄 😄 😄
There was this company names “Sofa King”, but we didn’t buy anything from them.
Because the prices were sofa king high.
😄 😄 😄
Guess why elephants always get the first word?
Because their opinion carries a lot of weight!
😄 😄 😄
Why do lemons use sun tan lotion?
Because if they don’t they’ll peel!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call bread baked by a poet?
Poet-rye.
😄 😄 😄
What giant dog is made of strawberry, vanilla and chocolate ice cream?
A Neapolitan Mastiff.
😄 😄 😄
